My Dad had an appointment with the oncologist on Friday and he has a ton of tests this week: blood work, CAT scan, PET scan, etc. Joy. I think the doc has already decided that the CLL is active - I think all this is to determine how bad it is. But I don't know that for sure. And I have a tendency to assume the worst. I am very scared and prone to bouts of shaking and eye-welling. I'm not going to lie - I'm on the edge of sinking. I've decided to go to the doc for the official diagnosis next Monday.
I've had three terrible horrible no good very bad dreams in the past week. All of which I've woken up remembering. One that one of my volunteers at work had died. One that I left my Kid home alone and was 30 minutes north before I realized what I had done. I lost my mind in the dream, crying hysterically about what a terrible mother I was, and woke up crying. And the last one isn't as clear, but I was being chased. Woke up from that one shaking. I told my boss about it today (not in so many words) and she said I had a psychic connection regarding my dad. Maybe.
I also had a terrible week at work last week. Awful. If there was something to screw up, I did it. By the last day of the week I basically shut myself into my office and tried not to mess with anything, because I'd only be creating more work for people to fix. Seriously.
I got a picture of my dad's thinness yesterday.
The positives:
Dad is smiling in that picture. I had a great run on Saturday before P went to work. I ran 4 miles in 9/1s even though I really really didn't want to, it was early on Saturday, and it was hot and humid as hell. But I did it, and I'm proud of that. I made my staff cookies to thank them for digging me out of my huge massive fuck-up. So hopefully that means I'm a decent person. I've finished a crap-ton of books in the past few days, even though they're not what I *should* be reading. I ran again this morning and it was neither not nor humid, which may mean that we've officially started the season in which an occasional cooler/cool/cold front blows through and makes running a true joy. I love this season.
1 comment:
I know that's not what this post is about, but I've lived through--although you never really finish living it--the loss of a parent and stepparent. I'm here if you want an ear.
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