Saturday, September 19, 2009

12er, but...

Ran 12.5 miles this morning. Pleased, since I know now I'm up to finishing a half. Now I can try to get faster.

But that isn't what has really been on my mind today.

I believe that it is a person's experiences that make us who we are. For me, my experiences are usually tied inextricably with people. Strange, since I don't have a lot of friends. Strange that people would matter so much to me. Or perhaps not strange. Since there are so few people in my life, perhaps it makes sense that they should mean more to me.

All I know is that the other day when I was cleaning I found a note from someone who used to matter to me, and my heart jumped into my throat. Still, after all this time. That I sit around hurt that a former friend doesn't friend me on Facebook... I guess they really are former. (And Facebook is the devil!)

I think I am a hard person to love, whether it be in a lover way or a friendly way. I think I must push people away. I love too hard, care too much, and I'm not the easiest person to be around. I'm moody. I have a terrible temper. Tendencies towards depression. I don't have an emotion in my body that is half-assed. I've driven away everyone I ever loved except Preston and my family. And I know it has been a struggle for Preston and my family more than once. Hell, it is probably an ongoing struggle for them. One that I am grateful they do not abandon.

It just fucking sucks, you know? That I sit here on this end of the computer still caring, and people that I care about sit over there having forgotten me. Lives better without me.

If I really loved them, I'd be happy if they were better off without me.

Perhaps I never loved them at all.

But can't I have happy memories that aren't tinged with sadness for the people I've lost? Can't I go to my high school reunion expecting fun? I can't. That is the answer. I still feel too strongly for too many people. I'd just make an ass of myself.

I don't know what has gotten into me. I'm going to quit now. Quit feeling sorry for myself. Go downstairs and watch Star Trek and wait for my loving husband to get home from work.

Friday, September 18, 2009


Well, last week I was sick practically all week. Had a fever for 7 straight days. It really sucked. It also really sucked because I was anxious about not running. I even skipped my long run on Saturday because I knew I couldn't get through it.

Sunday night I was determined to run on Monday morning, fever or not. As luck would have it, that was the first day I was feverless. I ran 3 easy slow miles, just trying to remember that I *could* run.

Tuesday was a scheduled speedwork day, and I really wanted to do it. I was seriously fatigued when I woke up. I ran a very slow 1.5 mile warm-up, and then did the 10x30sec/30sec that I had planned. It went pretty well. I was able to maintain a fast pace through the intervals. I jogged every other rest interval, and walked every other one. I still totaled out only around 3 miles.

I have had a slight bit of heel pain since Tuesday...

Wednesday I biked for 30 minutes easy to give myself time off my feet.

Thursday was supposed to be a 35 minute tempo run. I did 30 minutes. It was the first morning where I could really tell that the (slightly) cooler temp was really helping me. It was about 70 degrees, and I was running 9:30's when I felt like I was running 10+s. It was nice.

I also got off work early yesterday, so I went swimming. Swam 2400 yards in about an hour. Did a nice 500 to warm up, 500 steady, 500 hard, 500 steady, and 400 cooldown. My arms are totally blown today, but in a very good way. I've really missed swimming. And how incredibly cool to not be there when it is all crowded in the morning!! I think I'll have to make that my regular gig when I get off work early.

I was freaking starving by the time I got home. Ate about 1000 calories and was still hungry! I forget how much swimming takes out of me...

Slept 11 hours last night, and still feeling slightly fatigued. Taking it easy today, because I've got 12 miles to run in the morning...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Quote, in absence of a substantive post

I'll all kinds of sick, have been for 4 days, am finally going to the doc today, and haven't run since Sunday, thus, no blogging.

In absence of a real blog post, I give you these words that I copied out of a diary before I left my old position:

The most insignificant, obscure life is worthy of record. [snip] The diary grows more interesting as the years multiply - particularly to the one who writes the entries therein. Oh! How old memories spring up like a flock of birds, when the yellow, age-stained pages of an old diary are turned, and the daily records of the long forgotten past glide ghost-like by us. We can detect a look of reproach in the faces of some, for evil deeds committed, or duties neglected, that shall forever remain undone - haunting phantoms of the vanished years; and in the starlike eyes that illumine other countenances, we catch the love token flashed to us, which bid us to become not weary in well doing, because in due season we shall reap if we faint not.
How fresh those paragraphs read, as tho' written but yesterday! They tell of our daily doings, and the doings of precious loved ones - long ago laid in the grave - whose memory lingers like the fragrance of a lovely flower. Can it be that they are gone? The diary summons them once more into our presence and we are young again.
--John E. T. Milsaps, diarist

And I couldn't say it better myself.

Friday, September 4, 2009

First week in a new job = Done

And honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be in a lot of ways. But, it was way more tiring/overwhelming than I thought it would be in others. That's ok, though. It isn't anything that I can't handle, and I think ultimately I really did make the right choice, and this first week proved it, at least to me.

(I just looked down and the shirt I'm wearing is inside out. Thank goodness I'm at home!)

New job is having an effect on the running because I've returned to earlier hours, so I'm trying to get my morning schedule all worked out. I didn't do all the minutes/miles called for by the WFit full schedule, but I don't feel terrble about it when I look at the half schedule and see that I'm still doing waaaay more than they are. (Which I should be: they are training to run a Half in January. I start my 6 months of Halfs next month!)

The other thing re: running is my lack of motivation. I'm not having any trouble rolling out of bed every morning that a run is scheduled and going for it, but I'm not exactly looking forward to it either. Especially the weekend long runs. Last week was supposed to be a cutback week, and the weekend long run was only supposed to be 6 miles. I was PISSED when it was 7 miles. I mean seriously ticked off. Why would you do that on a cutback week?? (The moral of the story is that I don't think I'd have been so mad if I was more into it right now!)

I am gifted by the most beautiful sights on my runs lately: a lightening storm on the horizon, a startled buck crossing my path, a shooting star. But still I am having to force myself out the door.... I think it is just a case of the summer doldrums... the weather is so hot and nasty for running, and it makes me so slow and feel soooo lethargic. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I just need to struggle through, for now.