Mishmash

This weekend has been a mishmash of things.  Lots of things.

Friday we headed to Fredericksburg so we could comfortably make it for Saturday's service.  We called when we arrived and were told not to come by the house because it would be too stressful.  So we didn't.  We went to a nice catfish dinner in Kerrville and were back to the hotel for an early bed. 

The next morning we got up and headed into Fredericksburg.  We brought our funeral clothing with us so we could tool around Main Street without worry about getting dirty, and figured we could change at the house.  We were told to come over at 2.  I said we would love to catch up with family if anyone arrived earlier, please text us.  After a nice morning on Main Street, plus a beer, plus a nice lunch, we headed over.  Everyone was already there, and the first reaction we got was "You aren't going to wear THAT, are you?"

We went and changed and on the way back out to the car carrying our street clothes, JaMIL handed me our Christmas presents and told us to open them at home "since we wouldn't be coming back".  I wanted to make sure that I hadn't misunderstood, so I said, "Oh, I hadn't realized we weren't coming back" and she said, "No, you aren't."  So that was clear.

That really hurt my feelings.

Then we all headed over to the service which just got on my nerves.  There was a butterfly release, which is beautiful in theory, since Mawmaw loved butterflies.  But it just made me sad to think of them trapped in those cards for days, and a good third of them died.  Yick.

Mawmaw's butterflies.

Then we hung out and watched the slideshow in which everyone gave ME shit for how many pictures there were of us/Z in it.  I didn't put the thing together.  For the record.  I got a text AT WORK on Wednesday asking for pics, so I just pulled down everything I had on Facebook and sent it over, low quality and all.  Should I feel bad that either the organizer didn't ask other folks OR that I've taken lots of pics with my kid and Mawmaw???  Fuck that.

Other people were heading back to the house.  Where we weren't welcome.

So we changed clothes at the funeral home and headed back to Main Street to get drunk.  An aunt and two cousins joined us for a wine tasting and a glass of wine before heading back to the house, where they were welcome.

"Drinking" candy!

Then we went to dinner, where there was some nice classic live music.  Z built a fabulous vase out of wine.  Darn, I don't have a pic on my phone.  Hopefully I'll remember later!

"Whoops!  All the icing ACCIDENTALLY ended up on my fork!"

Then we all headed back to Kerrville.

The next day we got up and headed to Enchanted Rock where the line was INSANELY long.  

Scratched that idea and headed to Llano for lunch instead.  After that my parentals headed back home while we explored the dam before also heading home.

Feather on the dam.

Rocks near the dam.

Looking over the dam.

I have managed to not really gain any weight, though the trips have hindered me losing it, I think.  I didn't work out properly last week.

Yesterday I stayed home to get us unpacked and do laundry and get groceries, etc.  I also went for a run.  I was wondering if the Piney Woods run where I ran for 30 minutes straight and survived was a fluke, but it wasn't.  I managed 30 minutes again.  Apparently P90X3 is quite good for my short term endurance!  I'm not fast, but I'm surviving, which I wouldn't expect, honestly, on zero run specific training.  This morning I did P90X3 Accelerator, and the goal this week is back to counted eating and daily exercising.

Oh, and to stop and smell the roses and be glad I'm alive.

Smelling the roses.

What a Relief

It isn't the CLL. The fever stopped a few days ago, he gained back a few pounds, and his white count is drifting back down.

Time for me to rejoin the normal!

This Too Shall Pass

I promise to put in the positives at the end.  Because there are positives.  And there always will be.

My Dad had an appointment with the  oncologist on Friday and he has a ton of tests this week: blood work, CAT scan, PET scan, etc.  Joy.  I think the doc has already decided that the CLL is active - I think all this is to determine how bad it is.  But I don't know that for sure.  And I have a tendency to assume the worst.  I am very scared and prone to bouts of shaking and eye-welling.  I'm not going to lie - I'm on the edge of sinking.  I've decided to go to the doc for the official diagnosis next Monday.

I've had three terrible horrible no good very bad dreams in the past week.  All of which I've woken up remembering.  One that one of my volunteers at work had died.  One that I left my Kid home alone and was 30 minutes north before I realized what I had done.  I lost my mind in the dream, crying hysterically about what a terrible mother I was, and woke up crying.  And the last one isn't as clear, but I was being chased.  Woke up from that one shaking.  I told my boss about it today (not in so many words) and she said I had a psychic connection regarding my dad.  Maybe.

I also had a terrible week at work last week.  Awful.  If there was something to screw up, I did it.  By the last day of the week I basically shut myself into my office and tried not to mess with anything, because I'd only be creating more work for people to fix.  Seriously.

I got a picture of my dad's thinness yesterday.

The positives:

Dad is smiling in that picture.  I had a great run on Saturday before P went to work.  I ran 4 miles in 9/1s even though I really really didn't want to, it was early on Saturday, and it was hot and humid as hell.  But I did it, and I'm proud of that.  I made my staff cookies to thank them for digging me out of my huge massive fuck-up.  So hopefully that means I'm a decent person.  I've finished a crap-ton of books in the past few days, even though they're not what I *should* be reading.  I ran again this morning and it was neither not nor humid, which may mean that we've officially started the season in which an occasional cooler/cool/cold front blows through and makes running a true joy.  I love this season.

Foto Friday - My Dad

I am really worried about my Dad right now.   He has been sick for a few weeks and he doesn't seem to be getting better.  Mom says the doctor is worried that the CLL is acting up.  He's having all kinds of tests run.  In the meantime, he gets to feel shitty.

A few pictures for you:

2002, before anything was wrong.

2007, thinner, but on a nice even keel.

A year ago.  Still thinner, yes?

I'm actually disturbed about how few pics I have of him laying around on my hard drive.  He seems to do a good job avoiding the cameras.  But suffice to say I reckon he's lost at least 10 additional pounds since that last picture.  He just loses about 5 pounds every time he gets sick.  He says he's down to 145 now (He was 175 in his heyday and was looking decent at 155-160 since the gut surgery in 2003).  He looks it.  And I am really starting to get scared.

My mom always said I was a Daddy's girl.  She says it bitterly.  I don't think of it that way, at least not the way that embitters her.  Not in the way of preferring one parent over the other.  But I am a Daddy's girl - I love him with all my heart and can't imagine the world without him.  *I* need him to be well.  Soon.