Friday, March 8, 2013

Mind Blown, Kemo Sabe

I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday.  I wanted to pick her brain, tell her my situation, because she has relevant experience that I hoped she would share.

She did.

And I have to say, she blew my mind.

Where the entire world (it seems, which is funny because beyond this blog only like 5 people know, and isn't really true, either - I didn't feel this from J or B - I guess I have a tendency to dwell on the more negative reactions?) has risen up in shock and protest, she nodded sagely and told me she figured.  She figured!  She figured a long time ago.  Before the baby.  Then she apologized for saying that, but no, NO!  I wanted her to say that.  I needed her to say that.  Because she is the kind of friend that speaks the truth, even when it is hard to hear.  But in this case, a truth that many would have taken offense to happened to be exactly what I needed to hear.

Because, in moments of weakness, I question if I'm remembering everything correctly.  I wonder if I'm constructing a reality, constructing a past?  But when she said that to me, it reaffirmed to me that no.  NO.  I am in my right mind.  These things were there before the Great Catalyst.  They were there enough to be visible to (a very intuitive) someone else.  That isn't just a little thing.  That is huge.  That is telling.  That is real.

It blew my mind.

She didn't try to direct my path.  She just listened and told me that she could see that I was considering all of the angles, and therefore whatever decision I made she was certain would be the right one.  But as a woman with experience on these roads, she warned me that I may question my decision, even after it is made, for a long time.  I can believe that.  She also told me to take my time.  And I am.  I am trying.

And I am so grateful to her.  And to the Universe, which seems to be sending me exactly what I need when I need it.

I am still feeling weak, raw in my emotions.  But I am stronger than I was at the beginning of this week.  I am staying the course.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

February Reading Report

I think I gave every single one of these 4 stars on Goodreads.  Guess it was a 4 star kind of month!

Fallen Angel by Daniel Silva: 
I enjoyed this book.  I especially liked the parts in Rome – it was well written and gave me confidence that the other geographic areas were being portrayed accurately.  I struggled a bit with some of the political groups and their connections – as someone who doesn’t pay that much attention to the news I did feel at a disadvantage.  I also occasionally felt at a disadvantage for not having read the rest of the series.  But it was a good engaging read/story.

Killing Moon by N. K. Jemison: 
I had a little trouble in the beginning with the multiple characters and shifting viewpoints, but I love how the author didn’t dumb it down for me, and I did eventually catch up and was drawn even further into the world through the LACK of exposition.  I love that although it is the beginning of a series, I was satisfied with the book as a stand-alone.  But I will and would pick up the next book when it comes out.  The system of magic was fascinating and based enough in something that is understandable that it felt real.  The setting inspired by Africa felt unique in fantasy.  Great read.

Calling Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray: 
Quick, easy, enjoyable read.  Really spoke to me.  Would appeal primarily to female audience, though I think it is the type of book women WISH their men would read.  Loved it.

Criminal by Karin Slaughter: 
I really enjoyed this book.  I was sucked in, horrified and sickened at the crime, and really wondering how everything would play out.  Only rarely did I feel like I was missing the back story of the previous novels – like I may have cared even more if I had read the others.  I was kind of annoyed at the cliffhanger ending.

Heartbroken by Lisa Unger: 
I enjoyed this one very much.  I initially wasn’t sure what the point was, how the threads would connect together, and had to trust that somewhere everyone would congeal.  They did, but it was later than I would have expected, and I had this sense of dread that everything was going to come to some kind of explosion.  I was really drawn in as the meeting occurred, but then the conclusion left me sort of meh.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Something simple happened this morning.

I've been feeling really conflicted in my personal life.  I haven't discussed it in depth here, and I won't.  But conflicted.  Like I'm swimming upstream.  And it is hard.  And some days I'm not sure I want to.  And some days I turn around and swim a little ways back downstream.  It is just such a battle right now.  Every day is a battle.  And it is wearing me out.

I'm been in that place where downstream is looking tempting.  Really tempting.

And then this morning a colleague and friend walked into my office and asked how I was.  And I just started crying.



I think it made me realize that downstream is not the right choice.  Who would choose to swim upstream if they didn't have to?  No one.  The fact that I made that choice in the first place is indicative of the seriousness of my issues.  Is indicative of the need for serious change.  Downstream might be easier, but it is a short term fix.  It isn't the ultimate path to happiness.  I must work for my happiness.  I must keep the end goal in mind.  And the end goal is long term happiness.  I am weak right now, but I recognize my weakness, and it is important for me to stay the course.  Don't make any big decisions.  Don't make any moves.  Just stay the course until the weakness passes.  And then I can reassess from a position of strength.

There is strength in staying the course.  There is strength in awareness.  I am digging deep, and I will not be swept away.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Another Month Gone

February goals:
Exercise goal: continue with the P90X, the biking, the core, and add running back in when I can.
Book goal: finish Fallen Angels and Killing Moon.  Plus AT LEAST 2 more for the committee.
Financial goal: on hold right now until things even out with me and P.
House goal: get shower fixed at house, get AD's house the rest of the way cleaned out.

February goal review:
Exercise: did pretty well here, but fell down for that week I got sick.  But I'm back up and going, so I'll call that a win.
Books:  Done, Done, plus THREE other books read!  WINNING!!!  Book reviews in next post.
Finances: not hard to hold on!
Houses: Nope.

March goals:
Exercise goal: continue with the P90X, the biking, the core, and and running when I can.
Book goal: finish Something Red.  Plus AT LEAST 3 more for the committee.
Financial goal: TAXES
House goal: Get AD's house the rest of the way cleaned out.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Reverse Monster Truck Dream

So in this dream I'm over at my in-laws' house.  They have a big cul-de-sac right outside that they use frequently as a parking lot.  We were over there to help them build this sand mound to use as a parking space for one of those big (ridiculous) Texas trucks with giant tires and lift.

At some point during the building process I had to go inside to see ZoĆ«, and when I come back out, the mound is finished and MY monster truck is parked on top of it.  I need to get something out of it, so I climb over a red concrete barrier that separates the homes from the cul-de-sac, and walk over to the mound.  I'm very aware of the sand debris scattered along the cul-de-sac as I walk to the mound.  All the in-laws are standing in the front yard of their house watching.

I get there and scramble up the sand, notice the front right wheel is a bit in the air due to the unevenness of the mound, open the truck door on the passenger side, and even as I wonder how I'm going to be tall enough to get into the truck, somehow I get my foot inside and hike myself up.  I'm sitting facing forwards in the passenger seat, but all of the driving controls are on the wall on the driver's left.  I think this is odd, but reach over, stick in the key (big reach, way behind me to the left), and turn the thing on.

Then the truck very slowly begins to roll backwards off the mound.  There is a house behind it, and of course, no concrete barrier.  I fling myself into the driver's seat and the gas and brake pedals are in the normal spot, though the steering wheel is behind me on the left wall.  I try to push on the brake, but it is really hard to depress, sort of like my Mustang used to be when it was turned off.  I start to panic.  Look over at in-laws house and everyone is still just standing around watching.

For some reason, I stick my foot under the break and pull powerfully up, and the truck stops, perilously close to the garage of the house behind.  I think now that the truck is stopped, I can get my foot from under the brake and reverse it to normal.  I try and the truck begins rolling again.

And then I woke up.