It seems my blog is very worky lately. That feels dangerous, and I think I'm going to veer away from work again after this post, but I have to say something.
We got an email on Thursday that basically means that about 1/4 of people at work will be laid off. I do not know if I will be one of the quarter, but I certainly don't feel safe. I got my résumé together on Friday and applied for a job that a friend had told me about. On Monday I had to gather my staff and break the bad news. I don't know if they are in the quarter either, but they need to not feel safe. Then I cried all the way home.
I am having trouble processing my feelings on this. On the one hand, right after I got the news: shock, betrayal, doom, fear, crushing sadness. On the other hand, I'd love to be home with Zoë. Or if I found a new job, the beginning of something new - always exciting. Or the opportunity to potentially move somewhere cool - also exciting. I can feel the potential out there! But there was something very different about contemplating quitting to be a stay at home mom versus being forced out. Or worse yet, being retained but moved into a job that I hate to plug a hole. I'd really prefer being laid off to working with the public, and that's the honest truth of it.
Update: still no new news, but I've been sitting on this post for a few days, and I feel the need to get it out there, even incomplete... I don't have it in me to work on it, and I need to move past it emotionally. (Don't know if it'll work, but here goes nothing!)
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