On a Considering a Second

And a weird mind-space.  (Note: this post has been under construction for several days.  Mostly because it is a hormone-fueled stream-of-consciousness mind-dump.  But I'm posting it anyways, because it is real.  So consider yourself warned.)

I think there may be something biological, something hormonal, that causes a woman to want another baby at a certain point postpartum.  I expect that not everyone experiences it, and that it can be overridden by the memory of a particularly traumatic pregnancy or delivery, or possibly by just a very strong mind (though I'd argue that even those women probably feel it, but fight it).  It is a powerful sensation, a second ticking of a loud and incessant biological clock.  Or at least mine is.

What *is* that, by the way?  I mean, I was never sure I wanted kids.  At a certain point, I felt my biological clock start to tick, and I wanted kids physically, but I still wasn't sure I wanted them intellectually.  It took a (now happy) accident to get my mind over that edge and in sync with my body.

So I'm 8, almost 9 months postpartum.  I'm almost back to my prepregnancy weight (132.6 this morning!).  Close enough to call it even, really, in the larger scheme of things.  I'm not back to my prepregnancy core strength, that's for sure.  But all my old clothes fit.  I'm not back to my old fitness level, but that could take a serious long while.  And there is a part of me that wonders if it is worth it to get it all back to only lose it again, if we were to have another.

I'm still breastfeeding and obviously as a result my hormones are still totally out of whack. But this scenario would make sense to me: around this time the baby is slowly taking less milk and more solids, meaning that sometime in the near(ish) future, mama will return to fertility.  Is the sudden fascination with a second kiddo an indication of the beginning of this process?  You know, a mindset to perpetuate the species?

And then how crazy is it to try to remove all the hormone-fueled lack-of-logic to try to really examine if you want another kid?  Do I want another kid?  I wish I knew!  I wish I knew what was a real feeling and what is a body-screwing-with-mind hormone feeling.

I almost want to do a pro vs. con, but it seems so ridiculous.

Here's the thing that keeps bringing me around to wanting another (other than hormones).  I'm an only child for all practical purposes.  I always wanted a little brother.  I asked Santa for him every year.  (Ha!)  I know that if I had had a sibling, I wouldn't have always liked him/her.  But I know I'd have loved him/her.  And I know that I would have gone through life with someone who was tied to me by blood.  And I think I'd have been better for it.

Ok, fine, my mind demands pro v con.  (Some of these will be silly.)

Cons: Attention divided from Zoë, more diapers, more money, more energy, more time, less sleep, more hectic.  This Kid is practically perfect (in every way) - could a second ever live up to the hype?  There'd be 2; P and I would be evenly matched instead of 1-up. 

Pros:  There'd be 2 - more love all around.  Playmate/fightmate/mischeifmate for Zoë.  We already have all the gear.  We already don't sleep enough, so what's the big deal?  If it is a boy, we already have a name.  I'm already out of shape, let's get it over with.  If the 2nd is nearly as awesome as the Z, we'd be doing the world (and ourselves) a favor. ;-)

If we did have another, when?  This article says that the ideal interval between births for a woman's body is 18 months-5 years, and for the new baby, a shorter window of 2-3 years seems best.  Of course it also cites a psychological study that says that under 1 year or over 4 years is the best time for the first child.  Not very helpful, Interwebs!

This weird mind-space has involved a fascination with the archives of my own blog, looking back to pregnancy and these first months of the Z's life.  (Weird.)  And a fascination with others who are preggo or have little ones.  Or even better, have multiple little ones.  But I'm not finding any answers.  I guess I recognize this as "data gathering", but I wish there was an easy answer.  Or that this damned *longing* would let up!  But even as I long I waver.  Z'll do something amazing and wonderful and sweet and I think that it could never be topped - I need to stop while I'm ahead, you know?  And then I'll roller-coaster the other direction.

I have no ending for this post, because there is no ending, at least not yet.  This is just what my mind is doing, has been doing for a few weeks now.