2018 in Review

Here were my 2018 "non-goal" goals:

I want to start exercising again.
I want to start eating more cleanly.
I have had some health issues... I want to get those under control.
I have had some mental health issues... I want to get those out of crisis mode.
I have two really nice vacations planned and I want to go and enjoy myself and take beautiful pictures and feel filled up with peace and joy.
I want to continue working on the money thing.  Last year was good - we need to build on that and get a little savings cushion so I quit feeling like the next hurricane might blow us out of the water. 

This is really really fascinating to me because I consider 2018 to be an absolute shitshow for me.  I truly truly feel like it was a terrible horrible no good very bad year for me in general.  Mostly because I felt so exhausted for so much of it due to the thyroid issues and the inability to get the management of that down.

With that said, looking at these goals, I did it.  I started exercising again, even pretty regularly here at the end.  I started eating more cleanly, and while I am not 100% clean 100% of the time, I really have made a strong change to my diet in an attempt to support my health.  My health issues - the jury is still out on whether or not those are under control but I'm cautiously optimistic for the first time in a year, to be honest, so I'm going to consider that an E for effort.  I have managed to stop having panic attacks when it rains (a gift of Harvey), and that was the mental health issue to which I was referring.  Now in all honesty, the extreme exhaustion caused by hypothyroidism brought on a very strong depression, and I have constant and real work that I need to continue doing for my mental health. But no rainy panic attacks = win.  My vacations were lovely.  I am very pleased with the photos I got this year, although I would like to do more shooting.  Money.... worse than last year by a bit - 7 months green, 5 red.  Overall in the red but just by a bit.  We did end up buying a new car this year - if we hadn't, we would be green.  So it is okay-ish, but I want to get to a point where these incidentals don't tank us, and we are clearly not there.

I did write a post after my goal setting post about counting each one of my successes.  Like I ate well this morning, I  exercised today, I crossed something off the to-do list.  I lost sight of that as the year went on, but I realized when I was reading back that I did embrace this philosophy unconsciously and it worked well for me.  It is healthy for me.  

So all in all?  2018 is another year I'd prefer to forget.  If 2017 was the Year of Harvey, 2018 is the Year of the Thyroid.  I am ready for 2019 in every way, and I am ready to have a good year.

Whole 30 Day 9

I am proud of myself. I survived a vendor lunch and remained in compliance! I researched my options ahead of time and determined that there were 2 dishes I could eat. I got grilled chicken and veggies. There was hummus but I learned I couldn’t eat it. It was on the side so I avoided and didn’t eat the bit of chicken that was touching it. I couldn’t be more pleased with myself. That was such a win!

I had a normal breakfast and am eating a lamb burger for dinner.

Yesterday I had normal breakfast, pork cauliflower fried rice for lunch, and pork lettuce cups for dinner with watermelon for dessert and grapes for a midday snack.

This morning and yesterday morning weight: ONE THIRTY NINE!!!!!!!

I am having one nightly wake up just after midnight and a bit of trouble falling asleep, but I think that is work stress.

I am on day 16 consecutive of exercise.

It finally got cool here yesterday!!!

Whole 30 Day 7

I am so proud of how things went this weekend. There were temptations all around but having my pre-prepared food with me made it easier to stay on track. The guys did make steak and baked potatoes last night so I did partake, with ONLY salt on my baked potato! WIN!

We did stop by Bucc-ee’s On the way home and as I was walking in I saw some granola bar looking things called Thunderbirds. They say paleo-approved on the label and lots about real food, so I looked at the ingredient list and they look to be Whole 30 compliant. I don’t want to resort to packaged food much or at all really, but I do really want something like this for my purse or my desk at work for a just in case scenario. I bought two. Will post a review when I try them!

I have some concerns about this week coming up. There is a vendor visit on Tuesday which might mean lunch. I am really not sure how to go out and remain fully compliant. Then I have Astros tickets to the NLCS on Wednesday and I do love me some Ballpark food. And finally o have a huge presentation on Friday that I’ve been preparing for for weeks - that is a stress eating trigger for me for sure. I am going to try, y’all. I’m going to try.

W30 Day 5

Days 3 And 4 went well. I am eating very boringly. But that works for me for diets like these. It is best to always have something to eat whenever I’m hungry and that means making stuff with leftovers and being boring. Luckily, I tolerate eating the same food over and over with no angst. So it has been days of Beef scramble for breakfast, Pork fried cauliflower rice for lunch, and lamb burgers  for dinner after a grape snack.

I’m still on the exercise train. Day 12 and hopefully counting.

The hopefully is because we are taking a little family trip this weekend and that often messes things up for me. I may just take my running shoes and y’all walks and count it as good. Because it is good for me and where I’m at mentally.

This time I’m experiencing almost no cravings... it is almost weird. Last time I’d have sold you zoe for a piece of bread. I’m guessing it is because since April I’ve basically been eating this way. Oh, I’ll have the occasional burger or pizza, but generally I’ve been caffeine, dairy, and gluten free since April. Not sugar free though - that is my weakness. But I’m not even really craving that. Last time I had fruit for after dinner, or sweet potatoes to cut that craving. This time I’m just... done. It is great! But not what I expected. We will see how it goes when I get hormonal, which should be soon.

I’ve got enough food to take it with me for this weekender. So I’m feeling confident and prepared. Onward!

Weight this morning was 140.2. Cooooome to meeeee magical 130’s!!!

I’m back! Whole 30 take 2

So it turned out that that the complete and utter exhaustion that I was feeling was my thyroid going wonky. I made an appointment for last week in desperation. I didn’t realize my numbers were off - I was just going to ask for a brand change to my meds (synthetic to natural) to see if that helped. But when they ran my labs leading up to the appointment they saw that my numbers were actually off and they needed to up my dosage. It is early days yet with the med change. Today is day 5.

I’ve been working out every day since Monday of last week.  Today is day 10.

I started Whole 30 Monday of this week. Today is day 3.

I had been having terrible interrupted sleep, but for the past 2 nights I’ve had good sleep. So something must be helping. I’m still waking up exhausted, but the sleep is definitely better. The meds are giving more energy but I can still feel the underlying exhaustion.

So, 2 days of whole 30. I ate my typical breakfast on Monday, followed by Blue Apron Chicken Curry, grapes on the way home, and Blue Apron Pork Lettuce Wraps (which were freaking fantastic) for dinner. Even the hubby liked the wraps. Had some cantaloupe after.

Day 2 there was drama at work so I only got through half my breakfast. I ate the other half for lunch, grapes on the way home, and lamb burgers for dinner. I was concerned that I’d be hungry due to the lack of lunch but I really wasn’t. I didn’t even eat fruit for dessert.

Today my plan is for a normal breakfast, Cauliflower Pork “fried rice” for lunch, grapes, lamb burger, and I’ve got a banana that needs eating.

Start weight was 142.8. Weight this morning was 140.2. I can already see myself losing the bloat, which absolutely fascinates me.

Off the rails

Speaking of identifying challenges: sickness is one for me. I get sick and I crave things and I don’t have the same drive for doing the right thing. I slip into the familiar, the easy.

It turns out that Saturday was the first manifestation of what has turned into a full blown sinus infection. Give me a few days to get through this, and we will start over.

I feel like maybe some day... maybe if I can make this more of a lifestyle. A lifestyle has comfort foods. But honestly a lifestyle doesn’t have cheating - it just has choices. I just wish I craved things that would be good choices in times like these.

It is progressive though, right?

W30/AIP days 4-5

Day 4: Menu was wxactly the same as Day 3, watermelon after dinner.

Day 5: Normal scramble for breakfast. Leftover Cauliflower Pork fried “rice” for lunch, Lamb burger for dinner. But... I cheated. I went to Starbucks in the early afternoon for a Serious Strawberry Frappuccino. I do no whip and substitute coconut milk, so the only cheating was the sugar, but I did cheat. I own it.

Here is what happened: we were doing a garage sale at my mother-in-law’s. I did a good job of bringing my meals so I wouldn’t cheat. I ate breakfast as normal. But then I was outside in the Texas heat for 6 hours and I think I simply didn’t drink enough. I had water but it wasn’t enough. When I went in for lunch I could only eat a bit because I didn’t feel well. But I was CRAVING this smoothie like beverage. Probably because it was cold. And sweet. Water just wasn’t doing it for me, which is rare, but I think it is because I let myself go too far. So - no beating myself up. This was a learning experience. I’ll do better next time. Water early and regularly.

W30/AIP Day 3

The scale ticked down the first bit this morning.  It is early days but of course encouraging. I do believe I can already see a difference - I think this diet de-bloats you quickly. I just look a bit leaner. I like it.

Today’s menu:
Beef Veggie Scramble with Egg on top (Myers)
Salmon over Butternut Squash with Kale Pesto (Myers-ish)
Grapes
Pork Fried Cauliflower Rice (Blue Apron: https://dlink.blueapron.com/YWrT1DaXZP)
Cantaloupe

Btw, last night’s post dinner fruit was an apple instead of watermelon.

Thoughts/challenges: I’m hungry but not starving, and I know it will pass. My colleague offered to bring me Starbucks today and I wanted it very much. I did decline. And I was moving books around within the system and I saw a book of 100 chocolate recipes and I was full on salivating. I’m coming into the craving time of the month. It will be a challenge for sure.

W30/AIP Day 2

Last night my dinner fruit was watermelon. It was hummu. I craved chocolate but did not cave.

Today’s menu is exactly the same as yesterday’s. Things should get a bit more interesting when the Blue Apron box arrives tomorrow, but fair warning - I cook for leftovers to maximize my time. I did encounter an obstacle this morning - my mother. Tonight is the night we go over to their house to eat. Last weekend I warned her that I was starting a strict diet and while we would still come to eat, I’d be bringing my own food. This morning she asked if she should do more shrimp without spice than she did last time, and I said no because I wouldn’t be partaking so Zoë can have it all. She looked super disappointed and I reminded her about the diet. She said, “Well isn’t this compliant?” I said no because she bathes the shrimp in melted butter. I asked about side dishes and she said mashed potatoes and at that point I was able to firmly tap out, but it was frustrating and difficult at the crack of dawn on day 2.

Oh, I forgot to mention yesterday: starting weight is 142 even.

Whole 30/AIP

Mega-update: shortly after my last post I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. I began medication immediately, but has taken months of fine tuning to get the dosage correct, and even with that I’m going to ask for another change at my next appointment. I had a friend warm me that as my body went through the adjustment, I would change. Boy howdy, was she right. I was not myself in a very epic way in February and March and April, in particular. She says I may never be the same but it seems the worst of the foggy apathy as mostly lifted.

One of the things I did following diagnosis was read everything I could get my hands on. I read The Thyroid Connection by Amy Myers and I decided in April to follow her diet plan, even though my hypothyroidism isn’t caused by an autoimmune issue. Her diet is basically an Auto Immune Protocol (AIP) diet. It worked. I lost 10 pounds and began feeling much better. I wanted to blog it but I couldn’t remember my password and at that time that was too much of a barrier for me - that’s how bad off I was.

Then summer happened and I ended up unsurprisingly off the diet, although I’ve kept most of the weight off and do eat differently than I did before. I knew that I wanted to go hard after summer ended, though, and the other day Blue Apron gave me the perfect excuse: they are doing Whole 30 compliant recipes during September! Whole 30 isn’t exactly AIP but they have a lot in common, most notable they are: sugar-free, gluten-free, ans lactose-free, and AIP is caffeine free. I’ve been essentially caffeine free (except for the occasional Excedrin) since April, so I will continue with that. My basic idea this month is to do AIP but substitute in some Whole 30 recipes. If any recipe is in compliance with EITHER diet, then it is acceptable for me this month.

And I’d like to blog how I’m feeling and eating.

So here we are, day 1. I plan to eat:
Breakfast: Beef and Veggie Breakfast scramble (Myers) with a Egg on top
Lunch: Salmon over Butternut Squash with Tuscan Kale Pesto (Myers)
Snack: Grapes
Dinner: Greek Lamb Burger with Coconut Tzatziki and Cucumber (Myers)
Post dinner: Fruit (not sure what kind yet)

So far I’m at lunch and I’m hungry but not starving. Frankly I love the breakfast which surprised me because I’m not usually a fan of meat in the morning. The Pesto is GOOD. Onward!

Changing Philosophies

I've been thinking a lot about this sort of amorphous "I'd like to" form of goal-setting that I'm doing this year, and I think that part of the reason that I need it to be that way is I need successes.  I need to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and I need to be present and happy in my life.

So I think it is about focusing on successes.  Yesterday I counted my calories, I exercised, and I created the syllabus for the Spring course I'm teaching.  That is one good on the eating, one good on the moving, and one good on things that stress me out.  That is a good day.  Period.

This morning I exercised, I made a doctor's appointment, and I so far have counted my calories.  I took a moment when I got to work to appreciate the work I did last week.  I've done good things so far today.  That is good.

I'm going to take this and try to keep it up.  I think this is a good way to be in my head.

It's about the journey, right?  When I lay dying I'm not going to be so proud that I accomplished every workout session or never over ate.  I'm going to be happy that I felt good so that I could enjoy my life.  Journey before destination.  Onward!

2017 -> 2018

2017 in review - here were my goals:

1. Life: lose weight.  (Weight on 12/31 was 150.2.)  Fail.  Heavier.
2. Life: work out regularly.  Fail.
3. Life: eat "better".  Fail.
4. Work: make a presentation.  Done.
5. Work: write an article.  No.
6. Adulting: focus on conscientious spending.  (I don't think every month can be green, but how about 9 out of 12?  And the year green, definitely.)  I'm feeling meh about this but we did actually pull this off.  Barely, but 9 out of 12 were in the green and we did end the year up.  Baaaaaaarely up.  Which is why I'm meh.  But up.
7. Adulting: file things every weekend so it doesn't get out of control.  Fail.
8. Fun: improve the garden again!  Fail.
9. Fun: go on vacation to... somewhere.  Total mega epic fail.  (F you, Hurricane Harvey.)
10. Fun: take photos!  Meh, a little.
11. Fun: stained glass (damnit).  Nope.
12: Fun: camping weekends.  At least 2.  Yes, actually!
13. Fun: read stuff. ;-)  Epic yes.  Lots and lots of the reading.
14. Fun: complete Texas 6-Pack brew run series.  No... I think I did 3 of them?

Here's the thing about 2017: it sucked.  It totally sucked.  It epically sucked.  Sucked big time.  There was a ton of work stuff.  There was some life stuff.  There was Hurricane asshole Harvey.  There was depression, weight gain, general malaise.  It was just a really bad year all the way around.

There were some good things.  I took some pretty pictures.  I had some good days.  I have a wonderful kid.  We did some fun little mini-trips.  I am trying to find those lights in the darkness, but the truth is I'll probably remember this year as a year I'd rather not remember.

So, moving on, what do I want out of 2018?

Is difficult for me to even bend my thoughts into something that looks like goals... so how about just what I want to do.  These aren't goals.  These are just things I want to do.
I want to start exercising again.
I want to start eating more cleanly.
I have had some health issues... I want to get those under control.
I have had some mental health issues... I want to get those out of crisis mode.
I have two really nice vacations planned and I want to go and enjoy myself and take beautiful pictures and feel filled up with peace and joy.
I want to continue working on the money thing.  Last year was good - we need to build on that and get a little savings cushion so I quit feeling like the next hurricane might blow us out of the water.

Essentially, I want 2018 to be the year in which I become healthier and happier - mentally and physically.  Things aren't ever going to be perfect, but I'd like to get back to a place where I'm a little more capable of rolling with the punches.  I am ready.  I am willing to put in the work.  I know it will be hard, but I'm tired of this place that I'm in.  So I'm bringing it in 2018.  Let's do this thing.