Anxiety

I saw this go by on Facebook and I was really touched by #6, which says:
"I will stop putting off that phone call. I avoid a lot of things because, well, anxiety. But in doing that, I end up creating more panic than it’s worth. So when I’m able, I’ll push myself to be proactive."

Two days ago, I got in my car to go to a baby shower.  I had the gift.  I had the diapers.  I had the directions.  I was ready.  But I was running about 10 minutes late.  Anxiety.  No, it is ok.  It is ok.  I will get there and everyone won't have been on time.  It is totally normal.  It is a fucking baby shower - moms get being late.  It will be fine.  Then I pull up to the GATED ENTRANCE to the community.  There was no gate code on the invitation.  No sign on the code box saying what to do for the party.  I could have called the RSVP number but... but... I was late.  I don't know the host.  I was late and I'd be interrupting the party.  No other cars were pulling in.  I'd interrupt the party.  What if I didn't know anyone other than the expecting mom?  What if none of the other daycare moms went?  I turned around and went home.

My husband and my mom don't understand.  They asked me why and I made up a thin excuse about the gate.  And truly it really was the gate that broke me, but I know as well as they do that I could have gotten in.  I could have found a way around it.  And I don't know how to explain to them that I just COULDN'T.  I couldn't.

I've never been diagnosed with anxiety.  And honestly, until I read #6 above I felt like I probably had a bit of it, but never in my life has it been so starkly clear to me that I do have anxiety.  I do have it.  And it is its own explanation.

I just started crying as I type this.

It is its own explanation and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed.  It hurts me when I disappoint people because I can't do something.  But in a way that adds to the anxiety.  Not only can I not do the thing, but there is also a personal price of guilt and shame that I know is coming for me.  But instead of motivating me, the fear of the judgment is another thing that freezes me.  I think it is doubly hard for me because I hide my issues well.  They think I am a strong, confident, capable woman, and when they see me freeze, they think that I just don't want to do the thing, or I'm being a bitch.  But I'm not.  I'm not.  Sometimes I just... can't.

The words above are a good resolution, and something I should also strive for.  But I also need to strive for self-understanding and self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.