We were at a party. I was leaning against a wall with my shoulder blades, with my hips kind of leaning out, chatting with my husband and his friend. A guy sort of comes in and gets in on the conversation and SOMEHOW, I found this happening.
Guy: You look like you're about to pop. When are you due?
Me: I'm not.
Me: I just have bad posture.
ARRRRRRGHHH!
You know here is the thing. I do have bad posture. And I was wearing a tight shirt. And I was leaning with my hips sort of out, probably making me look all Jar-Jar. But duuuude. You just don't say that to a woman. You really shouldn't ask, ever, unless a woman brings it up first. Ever.
Also, ALSO, I've been killing myself mentally about it ever since for not being harder on this guy. Someone needs to teach him not to do that. That it isn't ok to wander around callously remarking on someone's appearance. And that he may think he's asking a fun question, but if he is wrong, he's telling someone they are fat. You could just as easily say, "Do you guys have any kids?" and if the woman is pregnant she'll likely rub that belly and tell you when she's due IF she is pregnant. Otherwise, dude, maybe she IS just fat, and WHOA didn't you dodge a bullet there!
I feel like I spend too much of my life taking shit and disguising it as ME being nice. Like I was talking with an old mentor of mine back in April and she was telling this story about how her boss started using her English skills as ammo against her (she immigrated a number of years ago and occasionally has singular/plural issues and s/he pronoun issues, but she is incredibly smart and well-spoken enough to where you just look past it, at least I always did) and I said, "She can't do that, that is discrimination." And she looked at me and said, "No, it is racism." Why didn't I use that word? Why am I afraid to call a spade a spade?
There was another story recently from a colleague who got approached by a man on a street when we were in Austin and she lectured him on not walking up to women and getting in their personal space. I totally would have taken it. I know I would have. I would have tried to look small and not make eye contact and just tried to book it out of there as quickly as I could. What am I missing in me that I let these things happen and I don't do anything about them.
I know this one isn't as big of a deal as either of the two I just mentioned. But in my head it is the same lack of standing up for myself or others, and it bothers me. This time I think it is because I was at a friend's party, I didn't want to make waves with the friend of a friend, etc. But that shouldn't be ok either.
Back to my here is the thing. I know I'm not what I used to be. I know I need to lose maybe 20 pounds. I know I'm squidgy around the middle. I know these things and I don't like them about myself. But I've gotten to a place in my life where I'm starting to accept them. Not giving up on improving myself, but just seeing myself as I am and realizing that that is ok too. And that I had a baby and I may never be able to go back to seeing my abs. But I have a beautiful kid and this body now also represents that. I want to be healthy. I want to do triathlons and seek athleticism and self-improvement. But I also want to eat cake at birthday parties. And go out to dinner with my former colleagues, and lunch with my new colleagues. And go to dinner once a week at my parents' home without having to being something calorie-countable/controlled. My body is a component of my happiness in that I need to feel good to be happy. I don't need to be 120 pounds and fully ripped to be happy. And MOST days, I'm ok with that. And then shit like this happens and it messes with me big time. BIG TIME. Saturday night I needed to eat a full, well-balanced meal. Instead I felt guilty about the one hot dog and one cupcake I ate after the incident, and then practically bonked following the race the next day, partially due to the terrible lack of edible food at the post-race, but also partially I'm sure due to under-fueling the night before, which then completely jacked my eating for the rest of that day.
Long story short: I am a real woman who faces real struggles around eating and weight management. Not because I eat super badly, not that I eat wonderfully either, but I think more because my body doesn't metabolize as quickly as I would wish. A weight MAINTENANCE calorie count for me seems to be about 1400 calories per day. I challenge anyone to do that on a regular basis. It is really tough. So I gain and I lose as I live my life, and I think that just is what it is. What bothers me the most is that society pressures me to be thin. Hell, I probably did more before that dude got out of bed on Sunday than he will do all week. I am strong. I am capable. I am powerful. I have serious endurance and mental fortitude. I am constantly engaging in personal reflection and continuous improvement. And it pisses me off that someone I've never met can think it is ok to come up to me and comment on my appearance like it is any of his business, AND that when it does happen, it messes with my self-esteem so very much.
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