Mishmash

This weekend has been a mishmash of things.  Lots of things.

Friday we headed to Fredericksburg so we could comfortably make it for Saturday's service.  We called when we arrived and were told not to come by the house because it would be too stressful.  So we didn't.  We went to a nice catfish dinner in Kerrville and were back to the hotel for an early bed. 

The next morning we got up and headed into Fredericksburg.  We brought our funeral clothing with us so we could tool around Main Street without worry about getting dirty, and figured we could change at the house.  We were told to come over at 2.  I said we would love to catch up with family if anyone arrived earlier, please text us.  After a nice morning on Main Street, plus a beer, plus a nice lunch, we headed over.  Everyone was already there, and the first reaction we got was "You aren't going to wear THAT, are you?"

We went and changed and on the way back out to the car carrying our street clothes, JaMIL handed me our Christmas presents and told us to open them at home "since we wouldn't be coming back".  I wanted to make sure that I hadn't misunderstood, so I said, "Oh, I hadn't realized we weren't coming back" and she said, "No, you aren't."  So that was clear.

That really hurt my feelings.

Then we all headed over to the service which just got on my nerves.  There was a butterfly release, which is beautiful in theory, since Mawmaw loved butterflies.  But it just made me sad to think of them trapped in those cards for days, and a good third of them died.  Yick.

Mawmaw's butterflies.

Then we hung out and watched the slideshow in which everyone gave ME shit for how many pictures there were of us/Z in it.  I didn't put the thing together.  For the record.  I got a text AT WORK on Wednesday asking for pics, so I just pulled down everything I had on Facebook and sent it over, low quality and all.  Should I feel bad that either the organizer didn't ask other folks OR that I've taken lots of pics with my kid and Mawmaw???  Fuck that.

Other people were heading back to the house.  Where we weren't welcome.

So we changed clothes at the funeral home and headed back to Main Street to get drunk.  An aunt and two cousins joined us for a wine tasting and a glass of wine before heading back to the house, where they were welcome.

"Drinking" candy!

Then we went to dinner, where there was some nice classic live music.  Z built a fabulous vase out of wine.  Darn, I don't have a pic on my phone.  Hopefully I'll remember later!

"Whoops!  All the icing ACCIDENTALLY ended up on my fork!"

Then we all headed back to Kerrville.

The next day we got up and headed to Enchanted Rock where the line was INSANELY long.  

Scratched that idea and headed to Llano for lunch instead.  After that my parentals headed back home while we explored the dam before also heading home.

Feather on the dam.

Rocks near the dam.

Looking over the dam.

I have managed to not really gain any weight, though the trips have hindered me losing it, I think.  I didn't work out properly last week.

Yesterday I stayed home to get us unpacked and do laundry and get groceries, etc.  I also went for a run.  I was wondering if the Piney Woods run where I ran for 30 minutes straight and survived was a fluke, but it wasn't.  I managed 30 minutes again.  Apparently P90X3 is quite good for my short term endurance!  I'm not fast, but I'm surviving, which I wouldn't expect, honestly, on zero run specific training.  This morning I did P90X3 Accelerator, and the goal this week is back to counted eating and daily exercising.

Oh, and to stop and smell the roses and be glad I'm alive.

Smelling the roses.

Mawmaw

There has been a lot of loss in my husband's family over the past few years.  AD in March 2012, Chris in August 2014, and now Mawmaw last Sunday.  You know it was 2011 when they all started having problems?  I remember - Mawmaw and Chris got their cancer diagnoses and AD was just visibly declining.  I also remember thinking at that time that I figured Mawmaw would go first.  She didn't.  She went last.  She spent FIVE YEARS fighting actively spreading cancer.  Most of it on chemo.  And with radiation.  I always said AD was a touch old bird, but she and Mawmaw were of the same blood.

I can't quite believe she is gone.

We saw her on Saturday, spoke with her on Saturday.  It was clear that she didn't have long but.... I just never thought she'd pass away the very next day.

What does it take to hold a mostly normal conversation with people the day before you die?  To give the appearance that you're dying, yes, but not tomorrow, the day before you die?

This family, they are so different than mine.  When I think of Mawmaw I automatically sit straight backed, make Kemo's long neck, fold my hands in my lap, and speak more softly.  They are old Southern charm where my family is loud country.  But I lost my last set of grandparents 15 years ago and I felt like I gained more in AD and Mawmaw.  My favorite place in family gatherings, where I've never felt I fully belonged, was on the floor by Mawmaw's chair, holding her hand and just chatting.  She was always so sweet and wise and understanding and non-judgmental of me. 

The last conversation I ever had with her, she held my hand, thanked me for coming, and told me I looked so pretty and that teal was my color.  When Z came in she looked at her Barbie doll, which has wings and butterflies (Mawmaw's favorite) on the dress and said she wished she had a dress like that.  Z and I concurred and Mawmaw said Z would be the belle of the ball.

How do you measure the loss of the matriarch of a family?  They joked and called her La Reina, but it came from somewhere very real.  Just a sense of presence, the way the family oriented itself around her, the way she was a model of behavior.  I was honored to know her.  I will miss her.

Thestrals

I can see thestrals now.  I wish I couldn't.