Mawmaw

There has been a lot of loss in my husband's family over the past few years.  AD in March 2012, Chris in August 2014, and now Mawmaw last Sunday.  You know it was 2011 when they all started having problems?  I remember - Mawmaw and Chris got their cancer diagnoses and AD was just visibly declining.  I also remember thinking at that time that I figured Mawmaw would go first.  She didn't.  She went last.  She spent FIVE YEARS fighting actively spreading cancer.  Most of it on chemo.  And with radiation.  I always said AD was a touch old bird, but she and Mawmaw were of the same blood.

I can't quite believe she is gone.

We saw her on Saturday, spoke with her on Saturday.  It was clear that she didn't have long but.... I just never thought she'd pass away the very next day.

What does it take to hold a mostly normal conversation with people the day before you die?  To give the appearance that you're dying, yes, but not tomorrow, the day before you die?

This family, they are so different than mine.  When I think of Mawmaw I automatically sit straight backed, make Kemo's long neck, fold my hands in my lap, and speak more softly.  They are old Southern charm where my family is loud country.  But I lost my last set of grandparents 15 years ago and I felt like I gained more in AD and Mawmaw.  My favorite place in family gatherings, where I've never felt I fully belonged, was on the floor by Mawmaw's chair, holding her hand and just chatting.  She was always so sweet and wise and understanding and non-judgmental of me. 

The last conversation I ever had with her, she held my hand, thanked me for coming, and told me I looked so pretty and that teal was my color.  When Z came in she looked at her Barbie doll, which has wings and butterflies (Mawmaw's favorite) on the dress and said she wished she had a dress like that.  Z and I concurred and Mawmaw said Z would be the belle of the ball.

How do you measure the loss of the matriarch of a family?  They joked and called her La Reina, but it came from somewhere very real.  Just a sense of presence, the way the family oriented itself around her, the way she was a model of behavior.  I was honored to know her.  I will miss her.