Raw

Something simple happened this morning.

I've been feeling really conflicted in my personal life.  I haven't discussed it in depth here, and I won't.  But conflicted.  Like I'm swimming upstream.  And it is hard.  And some days I'm not sure I want to.  And some days I turn around and swim a little ways back downstream.  It is just such a battle right now.  Every day is a battle.  And it is wearing me out.

I'm been in that place where downstream is looking tempting.  Really tempting.

And then this morning a colleague and friend walked into my office and asked how I was.  And I just started crying.

But.

BUT.

I think it made me realize that downstream is not the right choice.  Who would choose to swim upstream if they didn't have to?  No one.  The fact that I made that choice in the first place is indicative of the seriousness of my issues.  Is indicative of the need for serious change.  Downstream might be easier, but it is a short term fix.  It isn't the ultimate path to happiness.  I must work for my happiness.  I must keep the end goal in mind.  And the end goal is long term happiness.  I am weak right now, but I recognize my weakness, and it is important for me to stay the course.  Don't make any big decisions.  Don't make any moves.  Just stay the course until the weakness passes.  And then I can reassess from a position of strength.

There is strength in staying the course.  There is strength in awareness.  I am digging deep, and I will not be swept away.