Depression: The Best I've Ever Done

I've done a lot of things right in this mental merry-go-round.

1. I recognized the problem very quickly.

I am not sure when exactly it came on, but I don't think it was more than 2 days before I realized it on Sunday.  Knowing is a large part of the battle.  Knowing enables the next few things that I've done right.

2. I reached out to my support group.

I've got many friends in my unofficial depression support group.  Fellow sufferers who I have helped when they needed me.  I help others because I want to, because I think it is important, because I don't think anyone should have to feel this way.  And I am so very grateful that when I feel this way, people help me.  This time there are 3 who have really shown up.  It is interesting because each has their own way of helping.  One mostly just listens.  And then tries to crack the occasional joke.  One is a constant reassurance that what I am feeling is normal and ok (but not ok, if that makes any sense) and that I'll get through it.  One has done extensive research on the medical thing behind this trigger, going as far as to offer to go to the doctor with me to be an advocate. 

3. I reached out to my medical professional.

This was difficult.  I called.  I waited 5 hours and called again.  I lost my control and had a fit of sobbing.  I got called back.  I got a plan.  My problem isn't fixed but I am taking action and that is a positive outcome for now.

4. I haven't broken my non-depressed routine.

I wake up every morning and exercise.  I don't want to get up.  But I know that exercise helps me.  And I know it is my routine.  So I do it.  I go to work.  I am not super useful at work right now, but I am there.  I come home and do some housework, eat my dinner, watch tv.  All of this involves not going to bed, which is what I really want to do.  Going to bed would not help me, even though it feels like it would, so I don't do it.  It is hard to describe but there is no joy in anything.  Last week I'd have been working in the garden because I was super excited about it.  Yesterday it was because I "probably should".  Last week I'd have picked a show I really wanted to watch, this week it is all I can do to pay attention.  But I am going through the motions and even though I don't feel anything, I know that doing this is the path to getting better faster.  I have to trust that I know that.  I have learned that before.  Even though I really don't care, I have to trust that there is a silver lining because there was one the last time I walked this path.

Even though I've been here before, I forget how hard it is.  I mean I know intellectually, but I think it may be like childbirth, where you eventually gloss over it.  Even as I've supported my friends through things, even knowing what it is like, what they are going through, how hard it is, I still forget just how powerful and pervasive this fog is.  I think a lot of the coping mechanisms that helped me get out of it last time were developed on the TAIL END of the depression, when I was coming out anyways.  I think.  I am not sure any more.  Even knowing everything I know can't prevent me from being here.  Even doing everything right as soon as I felt it coming on did not prevent me from being here, and it hasn't magically gotten me out.

I read an article the other day that wants us to think of depression like the flu - stigma free, just a thing that everyone gets, sometimes.  I feel that this morning.  You know, sometimes you're in good health, you're fit, you stay away from sick people, you wash your hands, you get your flu shot, and you get the damn flu anyways.  Then all you can do is get through it the best you can.  Well for, wow, fuck, 13 years I've done all the things.  I've jumped through all the hoops.  I've done everything I can to maintain my mental health.  But shit happened and here I am.  Now I just have to get through it.  Somehow.