Clearings in the Fog

I think I am starting to see improvement.

On Wednesday, I was listening to my audiobook at lunch.  I have been lucky - even though I couldn't focus on TV, definitely couldn't focus on reading, I seem to be able to listen to my audiobook, so I've been doing it A LOT.  I was listening to my book and it was at a key moment in the climax of the book that the file was corrupted.  Literally, it was the "Luke, I am your father" moment, and it was all, "Screeeeeetch is your FATHER" and I was all OMG WHO, WHOOOOOOOO????? So I immediately ran over to amazon and grabbed the kindle edition and read through to the end.  And then I was like, wait, I READ!!!!!  Oh thank goodness, I read!  I was able to read!  That is a huge thing for me.  Huge.  Reading is something I do every day.  Reading is something I do to cope.  When I couldn't read, I was very worried (in my completely unable to care way) about my mental state.  It was not a good sign.  But on the opposite side, it is a good sign that I am now able to.

Then later that afternoon I walked with the friend who cracks jokes and I found myself cracking some back.  I still didn't feel right.  But maybe a little better, yes.

Yesterday I had the ultrasound appointment.  And my doc was quick with the results: everything is normal.  This is both great and frustrating.  Great because I don't want anything to be wrong with me.  Frustrating because if nothing is wrong, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???

I'm to call on Monday if I'm still "having the issue".  Earlier this week I was sure I'd be making the call on Monday.  But actually, I'm no longer sure.  My body is acting like maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is going to be normal this time.

In a way, that is terrifying.  I mean, if that is the case, then I really did just need a "hormone reset" which birth control provided, then does that mean that I may need to do that again in the future?  And if that is the case what the hell will I do?  Just take the damn things for a week and suffer the depression?  Gak!!

I'm getting ahead of myself.  That is part of my problem - I tend to spiral on what-ifs.  Right now I am just waiting.  I will just wait for the next few days and see if I continue to see an easing in both the depression symptoms and the "issue" symptoms.  Then on Monday I can start examining the ramifications of everything.  That's what we'll do.

I am hoping that this weekend helps.  It has been a struggle to be at work this week.  Maybe the weekend will help.