Choices

I think it is easy as a Depression sufferer/survivor to feel powerless.  To feel down about life.  To feel out of control, or worse, so hopelessly mired in place that you cannot possibly imagine getting out of the quicksand you're sinking in.  So you give up and let the sand take you.  Or you sit there, unable to make a decision, and the sand takes you.

I am not there right now.

I am proud to not be there right now.

But I will probably be there again.  I know that feeling.  I know it so well, and I have to fight it off on a daily basis.

I want to say this to my potential future self, the one who may be stuck.  Get up and move.  Yes, it looks like it all sucks.  Yes, that sucks.  And yes, it is certainly possible that whatever actions you take will have no effect.  But you know what I know for sure?  No action will certainly not get you out of this place.  Some action is ALWAYS better than no action.

Get off the couch and go for a walk.

Eat something healthier.  Or at least put down the cookies and ice cream.

Clean one thing.  Any one thing.  Then do another thing tomorrow.

Go do something.  Something that you want to do.  Anything.

CHANGE YOUR MIND.

No, it won't happen overnight.  But it is the little things.  You need to give yourself little victories.  Look at the big picture.  You are ALIVE.  You are still breathing.  CHOOSE to make today better than yesterday.

You wake up every morning and you have a choice.  You are choosing to be here.  You are choosing to live your life the way you are living it.  If you are depressed, something is wrong.  Make a change.  Make a different choice.  But engage.  Don't let your inaction choose for you.  Don't sink in the quicksand because you couldn't lift the fog long enough to do anything.  Do something.  Anything.  Please.

Choose life.

Live life.

Firmly on the wagon

I finally found a My Fit Foods meal that I loooooove: Besto Pesto.  Nom freaking nom.

I managed to eat cleanly through to dinner Friday night, when we went to our favorite burger joint and oh, it was soooooo goooooood.  At that point I wanted to eat ALL THE FOOD, so, you know, it was good.  Saturday I went back on the wagon and was a good girl.  Sunday I had a small smoothie at the Globetrotters show, but otherwise I stuck with the plan.

For the first time in a looooooong time, I started Monday morning weighing the same as I did on Friday morning!  139.6.  Oh, yes, and I finally saw a drop!

I'm also doing a really good job of getting my 4 bottles of water per day, even over the weekend when I usually lose a bottle.

As for exercise, I started last Monday and it looked like this:
Bike
Bike
Tae Bo
Boot Camp
P90X Arms & Shoulders
Off
Tae Bo
P90X Arms & Shoulders

I am veeeeeeery pleased with this as well!  Booty Barre was canceled due to weather, but I still got my workout in.  WIN!  And I was disappointed when Grasshopper dropped by to tell me that our 5K had been moved to April (APRIL - BOOOOO!), and I did take Saturday off, but I was back at it on Sunday, and that is also a huge win for me, since I really struggle to get off my duff on the weekends.

We also did a lot of moving work from the old house to the new one on both Friday and Saturday, which tangentally counts.

I may need to be flexible with the rest of this week, as I already know I must miss Boot Camp on Thursday, and there is the possibility of another Ice Day tomorrow.  But I made it work last week, and I'm finally seeing results, so I know I can make it work again.  And I will.

Day 4 of Calorie Counting

I started on Saturday.

I'm proud of myself - I have dodged a NUMBER of hurdles.

Saturday I had to eat out in the evening because there were no floors in my house.  Ate off the healthy menu, 500 calories.  And it was really pretty freaking yummy - the Maui Pork at BJ's.

Sunday I went to My Fit Foods and bought 4 meals to try during the week, all 400 calories or less.  Sunday night, instead of eating my mother's NOMMY stew, I ate the Shrimp and Scallops.  Which was waaaaaaaaaay too spicy for my taste.  I actually ate a 150 calorie piece of Texas Toast to cut the burn, but the whole meal still came out at only 360, so win.  And never buy that one again.

Monday was a holiday.  I went to the zoo with mom and Z and brought my own lunch and ate it while dreaming of the shrimp po'boy I had last time I was there.  We ate early so I was smart and ate a snack in the early afternoon - the same 200 calorie snack I eat almost every day at work.  I was super hungry even with that by dinner time, so I am really glad I headed that off at the pass.  And then in the evening I ate the very disappointing My Fit Foods Salmon Cakes.  Very dry.  And now my pee smells funny.  But calorie win.

Back at work and so far so good - Tuesday night is dinner with my parents so I have another MFF meal for that (that will hopefully be better because she is making ham and DAYUM I love her HAYUM).

Wednesday will be another MFF meal.  Then Thursday night is Amy's Pizza night (1/2 = 450 calories = WIN!).  Friday evening will be my free meal.  Oh and I didn't mention this but I'm basically going with my standard formulas for breakfast (either a marathon bar or oats plus coffee = 310 calories) and lunch (either burrito/banana/chocolate or PBJ/cheetoes/chocolate = 450 calories) and if necessary snack (greek yogurt and pringles = 200 calories).

Other than losing no weight (so far) and wanting to gnaw my own arm off, this is going well.

Silver Lining?

I am still struggling through this week.  Exercising about every other day, and kind of beating myself up about it.

But.

But.

Last night I had a talk with Preston. 

I've been thinking that my problem is that always before when I started a diet and/or exercise kick, I started it HARDCORE.  You know, like 21 days straight of working out and eating well.  And that has ALWAYS led to results.  Results make me happy.  Happiness makes me want to continue, and off I go.

This time... this time I think I've got several issues.  My core is still really sore from the bronchitis, and I still feel the asthma taking a hold of my lungs occasionally.  So I'm not going hard on the workouts.  Plus life keeps interfering and I'm tired.  And then I can't do my diet the way I did in the past because I've been worried about the Z and the impact of us all not eating the same thing in the evenings.

So here's how I'm going to try to address it.  We've got a Boot Camp on Tuesdays and Thursdays starting up at work.  That will enable me to get an extra hour of sleep on those mornings.  I'm going to try to make at least one a week.  I am hoping that will help with the pesky life days.  Booty Barre has really helped me to get off my ass on Friday or Saturday.  I will keep this up. And the 5K I'm registered for makes next the PERFECT week to start this all off with 6 straight days of exercise.

As for eating, Preston and I talked and next week, I'm going to eat my stuff at dinner.  Which essentially means I'm going to buy Kashi frozen meals so I can count my calories properly.  I'm not sure if he knows it yet, but it also means I'm going to try to limit the eating out.  I do so well at work - I come home at 1100 calories or usually less.  At home is when I'm blowing it.  I have to find a way to get control at home.  This first kick is not a long term solution, but I'm hoping I can go from a week of Kashi, to maybe a week of My Fit Foods dinners, to working on cooking healthier options at home.  This can be done.  It is just a little harder this time around.

Preston is also going to work with me to try to stick more vigorously to Z's 8pm bedtime.  We've been letting it slip lately to closer to 8:30.  I literally walk straight from her room to my bed to go to sleep, and somehow I think that extra 30 min is really biting me the next morning when my alarm goes off.

So, the plan is in place.  The game is about to be afoot.  I am feeling... hopeful.

Floors!

In other news, we finally pulled the trigger on purchasing new flooring for the new house.  It was kind of funny because P took me to the store to look at 2 floors.  I preferred the one on the left and he preferred the one on the right. 

We sat and looked.  We stood and looked.  We got the displays down and put them on the floor and looked. We took pictures and looked.  Finally I caved and we decided on the one he liked.  We got the poor lady who had been around already about a million times, and when she started writing down our order I saw another floor. 

I was all, Ooooooo.... So we sent her away again and went through the whole process again.  And chose the 3rd option!  Ha!  Anyways I am super excited to be seeing forward progress!

Real Life

In the past 8 days since we've spoken, I've biked 4 times and done Booty Barre (still OUCH) another time.  I'm not exactly thrilled and proud of this, BUT I'm not ashamed, either.  It isn't what I want it to be, but it isn't nothing.  It is something, it is a start, and I will continue trying to improve.

This morning was an improvement.  Yesterday morning I was totally knocked out.  Slept in.  Skipped my workout.  This morning I got up and got on the bike.  Baby steps.

Also, I may be CRAZY.  Oh, heck, I know I'm totally cray cray, because I signed up for the Awesome 80's 5K on the 25th.  I haven't run since October.  Oh yeah.  This is gonna hurt!  But it looks like fun and there is a (supposedly DARTH VADER!!!) finisher's medal and I can even go with Z in the stroller and Grasshopper (who is really more like Master now that she's running Halfs (!!So proud!!) and I'm whining about a 5K) is going to be there.  So, yeah.  It's gonna hurt but I'm totally looking forward to it!

Booty Barre

I went to my first "fun" thing of the year last Friday - Booty Barre.

My belly got all upset like this was a race.  It was odd in a way - I was surprised by it even though I shouldn't have been.  My nervousness entering any new situation is completely hardwired into my gut.  I should know that by now.

So I left really early and found the place fairly easily.  I allowed a huge cushion for my classic direction screw-ups, but other than really having to hunt around in the parking lot for it, I had no issues.  I was so early that I sat in my car for another 15 minutes or so listening to my audiobook and when I went in I was still 30 minutes early.

I went in, filled out a questionnaire, got my gear off, and went up to the room.  I was only the second person there, so I became a little copy cat, sitting on the floor until more people arrived.  I divined that I was supposed to grab hand weights, I chose 3 pounders not knowing how hard things would be, and grabbed a complimentary bottle of water.

Eventually the instructor arrived.  She asked if it was anyone's first time, and sort of hinted that I might want to downsize to 2 lb weights when she found out I was a newbie.  My reaction was twofold.  I don't like being addressed individually in groups - I get super embarrassed, so there was no way I was gonna walk to the front of the room to get new weights.  The second part of me was all: no way, I do P90X with 5-8 lb weights, I'll be fine with these dinky 3s.

So we start with some classic ballet warm up moves.  I think I need to take a ballet class.  I miss it.
 
Then we come to the center of the room for some more warm-up squat-type moves and some stretching.  This got a little rough, but I hung in.

Then we got our weights for the "arm series".  Holy. Shit.  I hung with her while she massacred every single muscle in my arm, over and over again without mercy.  I hung with til the very very end when I finally called uncle and dropped a few reps.  The chick right next to me did the same, so I felt ok, but instructor totally zeroed in on us and told us we could lighten the weight.  Screw that - we were almost done!  So I toughed it out and finished reducing my arms to quivering jelly.

Then it was back to the barre for leg torture.  Yes, I said it, TORTURE.

Then there was leg torture with a ball.

Then there were push-ups and planks.

Then there was a bit of stretching.

Then I quivered my way home to paint.

I've already made my reservation for next Saturday.  Bring it!

Goals for 2014

Working out:
I want to have fun again.  I've got myself a Groupon for 10 Booty Barre classes.  Heh.  And then I got one for 10 Pole Dancing classes.  Double Heh heh.  Plus there is a brand new rock climbing place that just opened RIGHT by my house, so I'm hoping to begin partaking of that on a semi-regular basis with P.  I do want to run.  I've signed up for the Heatherington Fun Run again.  And I'd like to run the Turkey Trot in Dallas. But I'm open beyond that.  I want to do something on most days, but I want to enjoy myself.  I'd like to swim more when summer rolls around.  And they have Zumba classes at the neighborhood center - think I might try that.  Oooooo and they've been having boot camp and spin classes at the park on Saturday mornings.... might be in for that when it warms up a teensy.

Houses:
Ok, here's the meat of it: I haven't moved all of our stuff from the old house because I want to redo the floors in the new hourse first.  So I want the floors done by hopefully end of January.  Stuff out of old house by end of February.  This is more complicated than it seems - I want to purge so I'm vascilating between not moving the stuff I'm done with and doing a garage sale, or if I'm in a hurry hiring movers and moving it to one room in new house where I can go through it...  Need to do a little work on old house, too - would also like that done by end of Feburary so the sucker can go on the market in March.  I want to get it sold THIS YEAR.  I want to keep the rental house rented. I want to keep the new house both clean AND organized.  I am trying and will continue to try to make a daily effort to go through the house and pick things up so that it never gets out of control the way the old house did.  After all of that is done, then I want to get the storage unit emptied out and off the books.

Reading:
I have been looking forward to reading for myself for a long time.  I don't have any specific goals other than to read whatever strikes my fancy.  I do want to always be reading something.  And I think I'm probably going to pick audiobooks back up too.

Work:
I want to get the remainder of the migration loose ends tied up during the first quarter.  I am going to have a retirement and a maternity leave (not mine) this year, so I need to prep for that.  I am a little nervous about it all, but the goal is to keep my head, keep plugging away, and to stop taking the stress of work home with me.

Kid:
I want to be present in each moment with my Kid.  I want to find fun things to do with her that give her new and different experiences.  I want to basically work to be a better mom, not let my annoyance overtake me (although I do realize I will fail, and that is ok, and that needs to be ok).

These are all specifics, but I think the broad goal here is to just keep living my life moving actively forward.  Trying to live for me, focus on me, while also being there for my job and my family.  I believe you only get one life to live, and I don't want to waste it on doldrums, minutiae, unhappiness.