But that isn't what has really been on my mind today.
I believe that it is a person's experiences that make us who we are. For me, my experiences are usually tied inextricably with people. Strange, since I don't have a lot of friends. Strange that people would matter so much to me. Or perhaps not strange. Since there are so few people in my life, perhaps it makes sense that they should mean more to me.
All I know is that the other day when I was cleaning I found a note from someone who used to matter to me, and my heart jumped into my throat. Still, after all this time. That I sit around hurt that a former friend doesn't friend me on Facebook... I guess they really are former. (And Facebook is the devil!)
I think I am a hard person to love, whether it be in a lover way or a friendly way. I think I must push people away. I love too hard, care too much, and I'm not the easiest person to be around. I'm moody. I have a terrible temper. Tendencies towards depression. I don't have an emotion in my body that is half-assed. I've driven away everyone I ever loved except Preston and my family. And I know it has been a struggle for Preston and my family more than once. Hell, it is probably an ongoing struggle for them. One that I am grateful they do not abandon.
It just fucking sucks, you know? That I sit here on this end of the computer still caring, and people that I care about sit over there having forgotten me. Lives better without me.
If I really loved them, I'd be happy if they were better off without me.
Perhaps I never loved them at all.
But can't I have happy memories that aren't tinged with sadness for the people I've lost? Can't I go to my high school reunion expecting fun? I can't. That is the answer. I still feel too strongly for too many people. I'd just make an ass of myself.
I don't know what has gotten into me. I'm going to quit now. Quit feeling sorry for myself. Go downstairs and watch Star Trek and wait for my loving husband to get home from work.
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