New Job

I wrote this post the other day, but didn't post it.  It was sort of a need to get it out kind of moment.

But the update is: they offered me the job and I accepted.  And I cried when I told my boss today.  And I am terrified.  But this is a big step (back) up the career ladder.  I don't believe it is all rainbows and unicorns over there - it is probably roses, you know, with thorns.  The trick will be figuring out how to leave work at work.  They want change - so the other trick will be going in cold and making shit happen.  I am terrified, but I'm also.... excited.  This is exciting.


The original post from 5/19:

"And what do you fear most?"
"Making the wrong choice."
"Then make the choice that scares you the most."
--Kristen Callihan, The Friend Zone

I don't even know if I have a decision to make yet, but in true me fashion, I'm crazy stressed on the POTENTIAL decision I might have to make.

No one at work knows this yet (Grasshopper, we have shared contacts - no one knows yet) but I've been interviewing for a new job.  I wasn't looking.  I wasn't even close to looking.  I'm the kind of girl who lands and sticks.  That's what I do.  I've only ever worked for 2 companies in my career, and for both I've arrived with every intention of being a lifer.

For the last one everything changed when they hired evil incarnate for my direct boss.  2 years and 60% of her subordinates quitting later, and she was fired last week.  But too late for me.  On Facebook I called it a "karmic correction", but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it opened a wound that I thought was healing well.  And made me question EVERYTHING.  What if I could have held out??  I can't change it.  The new job has been good to me.  I love it here.  But the what ifs will always be there.

The new job has been so good to me that I wasn't looking for anything else.  But in April at my annual conference, I was approached by a colleague who told me about this job and said I'd "strengthen the applicant pool".  I was intrigued, I won't lie, and my friends, when I looked at the salary... I just had to apply.  I had to.  We don't make much money in my field and I can't look at a potential increase like that without applying.  I just can't.  And one thing has led to another and I interviewed Tuesday and got called yesterday for my second interview TODAY.  They move FAST.  But I also know that I was one of four selected to interview, so who knows.

It is a nice feeling to not really care if I get the nod or not... if I don't, I won't have a decision to make and I'll continue on in this stress-free job in this beautiful environment.  And everything will be fine.

But what if they do offer it to me?  I hate, HATE to leave this new job so soon.  It has only been 15 months.  That is a sucky thing to do by any stretch of the imagination.  On the other hand, they knew they were lowballing me in salary when they made me the offer.  They had to know that this was a potential outcome.  On the other hand, I didn't care about the low offer when I took it, and I do think I'm seen as an heir apparent, and I feel like there is a level of trust there that I'd be breaking.  But it is SO MUCH MORE.  I just don't see how I'd be able to turn it down if I got the offer... but accepting it TERRIFIES me.  That first job... it made me question everything.  I misread the Wicked Witch in every way.  So I'm having trouble trusting my impressions.  Money is important but it isn't everything and I don't want to jump from a lovely stress-free situation into a pot of boiling water.  But how would I know if it was boiling water??

I feel like the lack of stress here has been so good for me, mentally.  I feel like it has enabled my push towards exercising and eating right and even creativity like photography.  Will I lose those things if I make a move?  Can I make a move and set myself up for continued success??

Quick Trip to Beantown

Vinyl wall at airport = hours of fun.

We made a quick trip to Boston this past weekend so I could cross number one off my list of work goals: to make a presentation.  And I am soooooo relieved to say that it went really well!!  There were 190 people there!  And one of the memes from my slideshow made it into a group on Facebook and has gotten 166 likes and 12 shares!  That is the most active level of professional feedback that I've ever gotten from a conference, and I am really gratified and thrilled.

Convention center floor.

My slide!

There was also some tooling around Boston.  We arrived on Friday, had an afternoon lobster roll, then headed over to the convention center so I could get all checked in and meet the professor that I work with for my side job.  Then we headed to the Children's museum for dollar night, and that was good, but by the end we were all fried.

Her very own lobster roll.

Breakfast with Brestha.

The next day I conventioned while P and Z went to the Science Museum.

As a side note, apparently we are not understandable in Boston.  Preston got a receipt for "Brestha", and I got a coffee for "Emmbra".  Awesome.

That is one very expensive lobster!

 Sunday I presented and conventioned while P and Z went to the Aquarium.

REAL ice skating!

Monday we all headed North to walk a bit of the Freedom Trail, get breakfast at Caffe Vittoria, and then head over to the Boston Commons for ice skating and duck pictures.  Then back towards the hotel via the Boston Marathon finish line and one last lobster roll.  Then to the airport to head home!

As close as I'll ever get to this finish line.

It has been a whirlwind and I'm exhausted!  I'm taking Friday off and making it a 4 day weekend in which hopefully the last of Christmas comes down and some fabulous relaxing takes place.  In the meantime, it is back to the grind, and I'm going to focus on daily exercise and eating well so that I can get the trip poundage back off.

5 new pennies for the collection!

Day 1 of Unemployment

I am switching jobs, taking a month off in between.

Yesterday was my last day at the old job. Very bittersweet.  I have been there almost a decade and I will miss it.  And it is scary, change.

So Day 1 of Unemployment, lol, is starting off with a bang.  Before I even got out of bed, I could tell that all the crying from the leaving has turned the little snot factory I've been brewing into a full sinus infection.  I feel terrible.

Then I get a text from the husband - the mortgage payment, which is supposed to deduct on the FIRST got pulled today, and we were overdrawn.  CLASSIC.  How is that even possible??  If you authorize auto payments and you set them up for a particular day, how is it even possible that they pull them a WEEK early!!????  Arg!

So Day 1 of Unemployment = WINNING!  Lol.  Here's to knowing it can only go up from here! ;-)

Goals for 2014

Working out:
I want to have fun again.  I've got myself a Groupon for 10 Booty Barre classes.  Heh.  And then I got one for 10 Pole Dancing classes.  Double Heh heh.  Plus there is a brand new rock climbing place that just opened RIGHT by my house, so I'm hoping to begin partaking of that on a semi-regular basis with P.  I do want to run.  I've signed up for the Heatherington Fun Run again.  And I'd like to run the Turkey Trot in Dallas. But I'm open beyond that.  I want to do something on most days, but I want to enjoy myself.  I'd like to swim more when summer rolls around.  And they have Zumba classes at the neighborhood center - think I might try that.  Oooooo and they've been having boot camp and spin classes at the park on Saturday mornings.... might be in for that when it warms up a teensy.

Houses:
Ok, here's the meat of it: I haven't moved all of our stuff from the old house because I want to redo the floors in the new hourse first.  So I want the floors done by hopefully end of January.  Stuff out of old house by end of February.  This is more complicated than it seems - I want to purge so I'm vascilating between not moving the stuff I'm done with and doing a garage sale, or if I'm in a hurry hiring movers and moving it to one room in new house where I can go through it...  Need to do a little work on old house, too - would also like that done by end of Feburary so the sucker can go on the market in March.  I want to get it sold THIS YEAR.  I want to keep the rental house rented. I want to keep the new house both clean AND organized.  I am trying and will continue to try to make a daily effort to go through the house and pick things up so that it never gets out of control the way the old house did.  After all of that is done, then I want to get the storage unit emptied out and off the books.

Reading:
I have been looking forward to reading for myself for a long time.  I don't have any specific goals other than to read whatever strikes my fancy.  I do want to always be reading something.  And I think I'm probably going to pick audiobooks back up too.

Work:
I want to get the remainder of the migration loose ends tied up during the first quarter.  I am going to have a retirement and a maternity leave (not mine) this year, so I need to prep for that.  I am a little nervous about it all, but the goal is to keep my head, keep plugging away, and to stop taking the stress of work home with me.

Kid:
I want to be present in each moment with my Kid.  I want to find fun things to do with her that give her new and different experiences.  I want to basically work to be a better mom, not let my annoyance overtake me (although I do realize I will fail, and that is ok, and that needs to be ok).

These are all specifics, but I think the broad goal here is to just keep living my life moving actively forward.  Trying to live for me, focus on me, while also being there for my job and my family.  I believe you only get one life to live, and I don't want to waste it on doldrums, minutiae, unhappiness.

Long Time No Post

I have a good reason: stuff is really stressing me out.  And when you don't have anything nice to say, well, disappear from the blogosphere.  Ha!

But really, this blog is for me.  It is cathartic for me to throw out the things that are bothering me into the universe.  Even if I look like a Negative Nellie sometimes.  I'll tell you a secret: sometimes I am.  But sometimes I'm not.  Life seems to roller coaster into peaks and valleys for me.  Welcome to the valley.

So, without further adieu, stuff that's stressing me out, in no particular order:

• AD is bad.  I don't think she is going to make it much longer.  We went to see her last weekend and they are making her sleep with this thing on her face.  Not intubated, because she wouldn't want that, but I think it creates like a positive pressure that forces air into her lungs?  It looks super scary.  And she's pretty out of it.  

• P's dad just got diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic prostate cancer with mets to the bones.  He's undergoing hormone therapy and radiation treatment.  But I couldn't resist googling it.  And what I saw, well... it sucks.

• P's grandmother, who is far away, also has cancer.  We get varying reports from JaMIL on any given week, but they are usually bad.

• Speaking of JaMIL, she's coming to town on Wednesday.  To see AD.  Because I guess after a month in the hospital it is worthwhile for her to show up.  (/sarcasm)

• P got news on Thursday that he is getting furloughed, starting today.  For 3 weeks.  Then he'll get called back to a temporary gig, then...?  It is the ? that I'm worried about.  3 weeks we can do.  Long term layoff would uber-suck.

• I spent 2 weeks being a single parent in the evenings so that P could go see AD every night.  I love my baby, and I love AD, but I DO NOT love being a single mommy.  No siree.  Not after a full day of work.

I've had lyrics from Blue October's "Into the Ocean" stuck in my head for days now.  I keep singing it and playing it over and over:

I want to swim away but don't know how.
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean.
Let the waves up take me down.
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah.
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down,
Let the rain come down.

The feelings.  I just have so many feelings.  I almost feel like I'm in high school again, or college.  So angsty.  I'm trying to feel and release - let the rain of what I feel right now come down.  I'm trying.  But this is A LOT.  It is just a lot right now.

On Working and Pumping

So I've been really lucky.  I am a manager - I have an office with a door that closes and locks.  I work primarily at my desk on a computer, and I can pump and work at the same time.  The only difficulty I ever face is scheduling pumping around meetings.  Which really isn't that difficult, most of the time.

I have my pumping routine down to a science.  It takes 30 minutes, exactly.  5 minutes to set up, 20 pumping, 5 to break down.  It goes like this: get out pump, plug in, take off clothes, put on pumping sports bra, insert cones, screw on bottles, attach bottles to flanges, plug in tubing, attach to bottles, turn on pump, grab lanolin and sit on it to warm while pumping, "start session" of pumping on iPod Baby Timer so I don't have to think, pump for 20 minutes, end pump session in BabyTimer, detach tubing, let pump continue to run, take bottles off, drain membranes, take flanges off, drain into bottles, combine bottles into 1 for storage, cap, check quantity pumped and enter into BabyTimer, screw parts onto new bottles, place new bottles and pumped milk in fridge, wipe down flanges (at home wash and sterilize), apply lanolin, get dressed, change out nursing pads if necessary, turn off pump, detach, coil, store tubing, zip pump, store.

I don't know how women who only have a 15 minute break do this.  It would be only 5 minutes of pumping for me, and I swear, I'm not wasting any time here!

Luckily, until Sunday, this wasn't a problem for me, because of the office and the ability to work while pumping.  But Sunday you have to be on the floor all day except for your 15 minute break.  I mentioned my concern to one lady, who consoled me with "at least the bathroom is just across the hall".  I didn't say this, but I wanted to: "Do YOU prepare YOUR FOOD in a BATHROOM??  No?  Then why should I prepare my tiny-not-fully-developed-immune-system BABY'S food in a bathroom?"  And, "Where do you want me to sit, on the public toilet that doesn't have a lid?  With my pants down or up?  While I prepare my BABY'S FOOD in the bathroom?"  What I did say was this, "I don't even think there are outlets in the stalls... are there?  I might just have to run down to my office."   This was a woman that I was talking to, y'all.  A woman.  A childless woman, but still.

Luckily the manager-in-charge on Sunday was a little more forward-thinking.  She scheduled me in a low-traffic location for one hour, and relieved me and told me to take all the time I needed.  Thank goodness for her!!

Thank You for Your Service

Yesterday I had to work.  I hate working Sundays because it is always 4 hours straight on the public floor.  No rest for the weary, nowhere to hide.  Oh, and not what I normally do, so no comfort level.

I was just working my day away when an Army woman (dressed in full camo) came up and asked me where the catalog was.  I showed her and told her to let me know if she needed any help.  I wanted to thank her for her service, but felt like an ass.  The words seem so hollow, since it is not my life on the line.  And I was at work.  I didn't know what was appropriate.  So I didn't say anything.

She came up to me later and asked me if we had something.  I checked the catalog and couldn't find it.  I was a little panicked, because I really wanted to help this woman.  It seemed so wrong that I might not be able to get her what she wanted.  So I went to WorldCat and did a keyword search in combination with the author's last name, and got a better authority on the author.  Then I came back to our catalog and searched by the author, and lo and behold we had something, and it was an ebook that she could access from anywhere.  As this was happening, another customer came up and thanked her for her service.  I almost cried right there (stupid hormones).  There was just something so powerful about it.  It always makes me think of my grandfather's funeral when they handed my Alzheimer's addled grandmother the flag and thanked her for Papa's service, and she pulled it together right in that moment and accepted that flag with all the grace and poise of someone who was totally mentally competent.

Anyways, the other lady walked away, and I showed the servicewoman how to access the ebook, and she got *so* excited.  And I felt so gratified.  I may not have thanked her for her service with my words, but I gave her the best service I could so she could do her job.  And that made me happy.

I want to say a virtual "thank you for your service" to that woman and to everyone else who serves, or has served in the armed forces.  I come from a Navy family, and I have nothing but thanks and respect for our armed service members, completely independent of any political views I have.  Thank you for your service.

Week 27

Cravings:

Fruit and vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup. Guess it might be this way until the end? Had a strong craving one day for french fries, too.

Aversions:
Nope.

Other symptoms:
Heartburn. Ugh!! This one is new. It started on Friday after having shrimp etouffee for lunch (from Treebeards, yum!). I was miserable by mid-afternoon. The PBJ I had for dinner felt like fire on the way down. Then on Saturday, Preston wanted Red Robin, so I got my usual BLTA croissant with fries and watermelon, and heartburn by 2pm again. Finally, on Sunday, I played it (what I thought was) super-safe. I had a wheat tortilla wrap with cheese, meat, mayo, spinach, sprouts, and tomato. And heartburn by 2pm. BOOOOO!!!! It'll be interesting to see if my typical work lunch of Amy's burrito and banana has the same effect today. All my books say that this is typical in the 3rd trimester, but boooo!

Another somewhat new one: my fuse is about half a centimeter long. It takes absolutely NO TIME at all for me to get ticked. It sucks.

Things bugging me:
I'm still just ready for the house to be done!

Current weight: 153.4 (My book says I should have gained 15-24 lbs by week 28. Fingers crossed that I can go 4 more days and only .6 lbs so I can make the upper limit!!) On the good news side, the insane rate of weight gain seems to have maybe slowed down a bit. I hope.

Renovations:
Nursery floor sealed, baseboards installed, cute rug laying in there! I worked on Friday last week, so I'm getting off early a few days this week, so I'm hoping to get the crib assembled (yay!!), curtains picked out and hung (at least the valences, which are already purchased, up!), and start laying floors into the hallway and guest room before next weekend. If there is any possible way that we could finish out this side of the upstairs this weekend, I would be sooooo thrilled.

Other stuff:
I got a call at work last week that I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. This means I might have gestational diabetes. I have to go in for the 3 hour test this Friday. Not looking forward to it. :-(

Still doing C25K Week 2. I got the 3 days I wanted last week, and felt great about that. I'm getting ever slower, and to be honest, the running is getting harder and harder, but I'm still banging out week 2. This morning I got through it even though The Kid was on my sciatic again, and it hurt like hell.

Last week at work was rough - I worked 48.5 hours. This week I've got so much going on that I'm not sure I'll manage to comp myself back the full 8.5 hours, but I'll try. I'll carry it over into next week if I have to. It is tough coming back on Monday for a busy week after such a loooooong week last week, and such a busy weekend. Hell, I'm already looking forward to this weekend, and I'm just getting started!!

14 Weeks

Posting this 2 days late, but I was in Chicago, whatareyagonnado?

Cravings:
Not really. Except french fries. And them only when I'm thinking about them.

Aversions:
Still some types of chocolate, and still not wanting to eat all the time.

Other symptoms:
Tired and a bit moody.

Things bugging me:
Yes.

And, P turned into a friggin' caveman while I was gone. He did NOTHING that I asked him to do. And I am very annoyed. Oh, and he called me fat. Idiot.

Current weight: 135

Had some trouble with food in Chicago, I think because of all the eating out. I mean, when I'm not preggers and on a work trip, I am usually sick of eating out by the time I get home, this time all that was just magnified. By Wednesday lunch, I just couldn't make myself eat, so I skipped it, and that seemed to restore some balance for me.

Have had 4 devastatingly bad headaches this week. I wake up with them, have to take Tylenol for them, which sort of helps but doesn't solve. Not a fan of these headaches - hope they are a phase that will be over soon.

Non-preggo stuff:
Was in Chicago all week for work. Knee bothered me on Wednesday just from walking. What bothers me most is that I didn't think I was walking too much, and it pisses me off that the knee is still such a limiter.

First week in a new job = Done

And honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be in a lot of ways. But, it was way more tiring/overwhelming than I thought it would be in others. That's ok, though. It isn't anything that I can't handle, and I think ultimately I really did make the right choice, and this first week proved it, at least to me.

(I just looked down and the shirt I'm wearing is inside out. Thank goodness I'm at home!)

New job is having an effect on the running because I've returned to earlier hours, so I'm trying to get my morning schedule all worked out. I didn't do all the minutes/miles called for by the WFit full schedule, but I don't feel terrble about it when I look at the half schedule and see that I'm still doing waaaay more than they are. (Which I should be: they are training to run a Half in January. I start my 6 months of Halfs next month!)

The other thing re: running is my lack of motivation. I'm not having any trouble rolling out of bed every morning that a run is scheduled and going for it, but I'm not exactly looking forward to it either. Especially the weekend long runs. Last week was supposed to be a cutback week, and the weekend long run was only supposed to be 6 miles. I was PISSED when it was 7 miles. I mean seriously ticked off. Why would you do that on a cutback week?? (The moral of the story is that I don't think I'd have been so mad if I was more into it right now!)

I am gifted by the most beautiful sights on my runs lately: a lightening storm on the horizon, a startled buck crossing my path, a shooting star. But still I am having to force myself out the door.... I think it is just a case of the summer doldrums... the weather is so hot and nasty for running, and it makes me so slow and feel soooo lethargic. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I just need to struggle through, for now.

Promotion

I am getting a promotion to go manage a different department from the one I currently work in.

I don't often talk about work on here, and I will continue to be silent on such topics, but suffice to say that I am going to really miss both the team of people and the materials that I currently work with. And I know that I am going into a challenging and likely stressful situation. I am not without reservations, but ultimately I think I am making the right move for myself.

That is what is on my mind right now, every free moment I have, and every night as I try to sleep.

Update, what's that?

Today I went to lunch with a colleague that is leaving. I've been lurking on her blog almost since she arrived, and I felt like I had to come out of the lurk closet. So I did. And in return, I told her about this blog. You know, to even out the embarassment.

The potential that the one person who reads this (Billy rocks!) could turn into two... well, it made me feel guilty for not blogging more.

That, and as I said before, I really hope the craziness that has been the past several months is over.

Annnnnd, I've just started to train for my winter of halfs! I signed up yesterday for Austin and Dallas Run the Rock when I heard that Houston is already sold out. (Took less than 48 hours, wtf?? Last year it took months!) I'm currently looking for another nearby option in January since not running Houston messes up my half-per-month concept. I'm thinking the Kingwood half that is on New Year's Day, but that would put a bit of a damper on my New Year's Eve, which we always spend with P's family... we'll see.

So, next up, London pice (probably this weekend), and a race report from the Winbledon Windmiler's 10K I ran while in the UK.

Btw, it is hot here. Really freaking hot. (81 degrees at 4am toay!) Like, an old lady who has been in H-town for 50 years said to me on Saturday that this was the hottest, most miserable summer she had ever seen in Houston. Seriously. The two weeks in the UK, where the air feels like it is conditioned, deacclimated me to the heat. I'm struggling in my runs so far this week, but I'm getting them done. Hopefully in a week or two my body will remember that I can actually run in the heat. Really!

I'm back, baby (I hope!).

First Tempo Run, Last Day at Work, and a Funny Thing

First Tempo Run:

When I saw the forecast for rain this morning, I was really worried. I kicked myself for not running yesterday when I was scheduled to do it. But this morning there was no rain, and it was about 20 degrees warmer than yesterday morning, so in retrospect, I totally made the right decision!

Despite that, I felt like crap. I started running, and I just felt icky, slow, etc. I reminded myself that I was just wanting about 3.5 miles. I can do anything for 35ish minutes. First mile in 10-something (will retropost splits here tonight when I dl the data from the Garmin). Decided against doing a tempo since I felt so crappy. Then looked down a minute or two later and saw that I had dropped my pace into the low 9's. Fine, tempo it is. Dropped my pace further into the 8's. That was the goal of this, my first tempo run. Get an 8-something mile, and every time I look down at the pace, have it be less than 9. I succeeded. My heart and lungs sure felt it - I felt like I was back at C25K days, when running was really really hard (not just hard, like now)! The cool thing was that when I slowed down to recover-jog, I was actually running easily in the 9's, and it felt SLOW!!! So anyways, the third mile was 9-something, then .64 to home and off to work.

Last Day at Work:

I'm not leaving my company, just my department, but it feels like such a huge deal! I'm going to be doing something pretty much totally different in a totally different environment in a different location with totally different people and on a different schedule...

I'm strangely sad about leaving my current department, expecially given that I've been wanting to leave it pretty much as soon as I started. But they gave me a chance when I was fresh out of school with no pratical training, and for that I should be forever grateful to them. They also gave me the leeway to pursue varied projects that got me the exposure in the company that led to this new position, which is a promotion, baby! For that I am also grateful. And I've come to care about some of them in my own dysfunctional way.

With all that said, I'm so excited about my new job, and I can't wait to get started on Monday. I've got my Y membership all ready for the different schedule, I'm going to start with a swim focus since I haven't had access to a pool since August. I've got some of my stuff moved over to my new office. I'm nervous, but excited!

Funny Thing:

Last night I thought about this again, and felt the need to immortalize it. Last weekend after the 10K, Preston and I went over to his Dad's house. His step-mom's brother and parents were visiting from out of town. The brother (my step-uncle-in-law) said the funniest freaking thing.

The scene: my step-uncle-in-law is totally deaf, so he speaks with a sort of nasally toned voice with an impediment that is common for deaf people. He was hearing as a child, and has retained his Chicagoan accent on top of it. Now picture the guy, a little guy, hair in a ponytail, cut-off sleeved T-shirt, beer in hand. He was talking about how his son plays Warcraft too much - how he is addicted to the game.

"You know, they say that playing video games builds manual dexterity. But so does whacking off," here he made the universal hand gesture for jacking off, "and you don't see kids in their rooms doing that for 12 hours a day!!!"

That is all.

Rain, rain, go away...

Not much to report. Yesterday morning was Tae Bo. Yesterday evening we braved the rain for Preston to C25K and me to lift. As I dreaded, it was still raining this morning. Now, I've been known to brave the rain for a run, but not in freaking forty degree weather. I rode the recumbant for an hour instead. I will either run tonight or tomorrow morning, depending on the rain stoppage.

My secret is out at work, thank goodness. Perhaps now I can scrape some of this pizza off my chin. My start date in my new position is Feb. 4. Yay!!!

Truth

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth." --Albert Einstein

Truth is my highest value. I mean, literally my absolute highest value.

Long ago I was burned by those who didn't tell the truth. Long ago I was burned by myself not telling the truth. Life is simpler, happier for me when truth surrounds me. I rarely even conceal the truth by omission any longer. Some of that comes from being confident in who I am. I no longer seek the approval of others, and value those who love me as I am all the more highly, and truth-telling informs that philosophy. But it is also simply easier. I don't skulk in dark alleys, flitting from shadow to shadow, always wondering if I'll be caught in a lie. And I am happier this way. I don't shy away from the conflict that truth sometimes bears, nor the pain. Because the truth is always better than a lie.

Which is why I'm being twisted and turned into knots over something that is going on at work. I've been offered another position in my company. But forbidden to tell anyone about it. I want this position, thus I feel I cannot disobey she who forbade me. (Though I have directly disobeyed with some friends, and hinted to others - those who I truly believe won't spread my secret.) But a registration for a conference has caused me to have to actively pretend that I am staying here, not just passively not mention it. And it is driving me crazy. Crazy!!

Someone who knows told me today that I should call her, and tell her how much this is bothering me. She said that I'm just too good of a person. I don't often think of myself as a good person. (Not bad either, I just don't really qualify myself in that way.) But I am certainly a truthful person, and authority is truly the greatest enemy of truth for me right now.