Total Meltdown

We went to pick up my packet on Friday evening, returned something at the mall, had a calorically reasonable dinner at Zoe's Kitchen.  I convinced the family to come to the 5K the next morning because face painting and bounce houses.  We were good to go.

You know where this is headed, right?

I woke up on Saturday with the most terrible crick in my neck EVAR, got dressed, got P up and moving, and went to get Z up.  She had been working some serious snot for a few days, and it was crusted all over her little face when I woke her.  So I brought her to my bathroom and we were cleaning her with a warm washcloth when she started crying and said her legs felt funny.  Huh?  She didn't want to be standing any more.  Huh??  She hobbled over to my bed and said, "My legs felt unsteady.  I just want to lay here for a little bit."  I think I knew right then that everything was shot.  She looked so pitiful.  So I scootched her over a bit and layed down with her.  What else would I do?  P offered that I could leave them and go for the run, but I was worried about her and it didn't feel right.

She wasn't running a fever.  Her little eyes looked terrible, all bloodshot, so after she was cleaned up I got her some lubricating drops and crossed my fingers.  I also gave her some anti-congestion meds for all the phlegm.  And then we all just layed around all morning, me grading papers, P napping, Z watching the iPad in my bed.  Around noon she started screaming and crying about her ear.  Fabulous.

We immediately gave Tylenol (which WORKS, WAY TO GO TYLENOL!) and she cried herself to sleep (she never EVER sleeps during the day) while I called for a doctor's appointment.  After passing all the hurdles, we were told to get our butts to the closest office within 30 minutes, because they closed at 2 and it was now 1.  Done and done.  By the time we got there, she said it didn't hurt any more.  I told her I didn't care, she was seeing the doc anyways.  Saw doc and sure enough, ear infection AND eye infection. Got her meds and returned to the laying around pattern.

Post Tylenol, cried self to sleep.  Grimmy tried to help.

I finally finished grading around 3 so I took a muscle relaxer for my neck which hadn't improved AT ALL.  I fell asleep around 5 and was done for the rest of the day.

Sunday the Kid clearly felt better.  My neck was mildly better.  But my mood went to hell in a handbasket.  I don't really want to go into it other than to say that I got really really REALLY pissed about some things that were annoying, yes, but probably didn't deserve quite the reaction they got.  Then I had a full sobbing breakdown.  For the rest of the night I was useless, I felt like I was moving in slow motion, couldn't really focus on anything at all.  Went to bed around 6:30 because meh.

This morning I am better.... better but not ok.  Better means I am neither screaming at anyone or crying about anything, right now.  I.... I can't seem to find any distraction in the things that normally give me pleasure.  I can't focus on reading.  I end up staring off into space.  I feel... like I don't have any fucks to give.  I got up this morning and exercised because it is the routine, not because I felt internally motivated to do it, if that makes sense.  I don't feel internally motivated to do anything at all.  I guess that is it.  Bed would be nice.

I think that people who care think it is the Pill.  I think I might think that too?  But I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I missed a single dose the other day and the problem restarted itself almost immediately.  Is this my choice?  Constant bleeding or dead inside?

Don't Panic, Right?

I've been having some girl issues.  I won't go into detail, but suffice to say that things keep happening to me for waaaaaay longer than they are supposed to happen, with waaaaaay shorter breaks in between than I'm supposed to get.  In fact, you could basically imagine the "normal" pattern and inverse it and you'd get what I've been going through.  It has been ROUGH.  Both physically and mentally.

About a month ago I called the doc about it and she wants me to go on birth control pills to see if it'll level me out.  I basically filled the prescription and then hemmed and hawed and wasted as much time as possible to see if I could get out of actually doing it.  You see, I am of the opinion that birth control was a major contributing factor in my years of major depression.  I got off it and the fog lifted.  Then I tried to go back on it and turned into a mood-swingy nightmare on a minute-to-minute swing.  Then I decided that it just wasn't worth it.  And I've been off now for... I think 10 years.  So you can understand my reluctance.

But... well... what is happening with my body is not ok.  So I finally broke down late last week and started the pills on Thursday night.

Friday I could see no change.  By Saturday morning I was fielding more facial zits than my 16 year old self, but my mood was stable... until about mid-day.  Since then, well, at least it isn't swinging.  But I am very very (VERY VERY) pissy.  Very.  On the upside, the thing made me start taking the pills finally stopped.

There was this part of me that had hoped I'd try this and it wouldn't be like last time.  That I could go back to a well-regulated thing... it could still happen.  Maybe I was just uncontrollably bitchy this weekend.  Maybe.

Oh, and also I was down to 150.6lbs when I started taking the pill.  I have changed NOTHING about diet or exercise - I was actually really pleased with myself for not breaking the diet this weekend at all, but I'm up a pound. I know that that is a common side effect - after all, I'm tricking my body into thinking it got pregnant, but DAMNIT.  I've been working so hard and it is just such a mindfuck.

TMI: Girl Stuff

Boys, don't say I didn't warn you!

So, I've experienced my.... return to fertility.  I went 23 (23!!!!!) wondrous months without being... fertile... but, alas, that's over now.

I think it is because we dropped down to only 3 breastfeeding sessions per day... The funny thing is that I've been thinking that this sad day was coming.  I had noticed some "climate changes" in myself in the past few weeks, and I had this weird gross dream the other night only 2 days before things got going again.  Suffice it to say that it woke me up and I ran to the bathroom to check!  And I'm growing a new crop of zits after a lovely 2 year drought.  Le sigh.  (This is kind of funny because I had been telling Preston all of this and he was pretty shocked that I could be that in tune with my body.  I'm not - I knew I was pregnant, and this is just another aspect of that same function.)

The good news is that I'm not experiencing any of the horror issues that I've heard often come with this momentous event.  I'm moodier than a normal day but not disproportionately so.  I haven't had my normal (for 2 years ago, at least - what is the new normal?) cramps or upset tummy at all!  I'm not even taking ibuprofen.  Or anything else!  So on the scale of 1 to really terrible, I'm at a 2 because of the inconvenience, but really this is probably the least bad period I've ever had (there, I said it).

Now where is some wood I can go knock on?

Nesting and Venting

Dear Diary,

(Or at least that's how I feel right now. This is a venty post.)

We bought this house in 2006, knowing that we'd want to replace all the flooring and do some work to it. Every winter since then I've been bugging P to get going with it, thinking that we should do it when it is cold to save ourselves the sweat in "sweat equity". It never happened.

When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things I said to P was, "I'm not uncrossing my legs for this kid to come out until we have new floors." Along with that was a reminder that it'd be summer soon, and it'd blow to be doing hard-core renovation upstairs during the summer.

The months went by, and he did nothing.

Finally, I started freaking out. My instincts are telling me to nest. I need to create a pretty little room for my kid. Like, now. And I need a place to put all of these wonderful and most welcome baby hand-me-downs that I'm receiving. Right now they are just in a heap in the loft. I don't even know what I have, so I can't tell people what I need!

Finally I bitched and moaned enough for P to start ripping out the carpet in the nursery. That took like a month or more. Waaaaaaay longer than necessary. Held up by stupid shit like he didn't know if the trash guys would pick it up. Finally the carpet is out. Finally the ceiling is scraped. Finally the ceiling is primed and painted (though it needs a few touch-ups before the floor goes down). Finally the walls are painted.

We go today to order the floors - 7 to 10 business days. GRRRRRR. Should have been ordered 4 days ago when we finally agreed on which to get!

I tell him, fine, put in the ceiling fan while I start cleaning out the guest room to get its carpet ripped out, since we lost next weekend to laying floors, we'll rip out carpets next weekend instead.

This fan took hours last night, literally all day today (still not done at 4:30pm), punctuated by tons of cussing and trips to Home Depot.

Ok, I get that there were issues with the fan. The previous owners had totally jury-rigged the thing in there, and it really wasn't safe, and I appreciate that he doesn't want The Kid to die when a fan falls on her. Really, I do. But does he thinking that bitching about it helps? Just get it done.

For that matter, just get it all done. I get that you work all week. So do I. And I get that you miss sitting on your ass all weekend and every evening. So do I. But you've made a baby, and we've got it ticking like a time bomb in my belly EVERY DAY. You can't just ignore this. It isn't going to go away. And this may be the last chance we have for a long while to get this place organized before a mini-tornado descends for 18 years.

I know he doesn't have the same kind of hormonal motivation that I have. I get that. But shit, dude, we're under a deadline here!! I know that by the book I have 3.5 months left. I get that. But what if she's early? What if there are more delays? What if we aren't ready?

I reckon we need 3 weekends to lay the floor upstairs. One for one half, one to move the shit from the unfinished side to the finished side, and one for the other half. And that is under the best of circumstances. So hopefully by the end of July. Hopefully by the end of July. Hopefully by the end of July.....

(I love you, Preston. Truly, I do. I know that you can't understand this right now, but I really believe I have our family's best interests at heart. And yours. If we get this done sooner, you'll have more ass-sitting time before the baby comes. Wait longer, and you'll be doing it by yourself because my usefulness will have expired in a giant vat of baby belly. I appreciate the things you are doing. I just don't understand why it has to be like pulling teeth....??)

Week 19

Cravings:
Not really. But still super-hungry. I'm really enjoying eating what I want when I want without really worrying (much) about calories.

Aversions:
Don't really know any more. Still not wanting chocolate as much as pre-preg, but not sure that it still counts as an aversion.

Other symptoms:
I am moody. Freaking moody. Last Wednesday, every other thing out of P's mouth made me want him to die. Or at least to go into the other room. Not his fault - he generally isn't this annoying (hence his still-breathing state), therefore, it must be my hormones. Then on Sunday I had a full-on cry fest. Twice. Yeah, that was super fun. Then Monday/Tuesday, the vendors at work were getting on my nerves, and I told my boss, "I've lost my ability to sugar-coat right now. I need you to censor this email." For reals.

Things bugging me:
Work.

Current weight: 141

Feeling the Kid randomly every day now. She seems most active in the evenings, but I get little kicks throughout the day. She kicked so hard on Monday night that P felt it again! Last night she kicked so hard that I swear I saw my hand move.

Other preggo stuff:

We (finally) worked on the nursery this weekend.

Here is the whole story. On Friday, I went to the knee doc, Aunt Dollie's, then to Little Miyako because I was craving some miso. Then I was right next door to Motherhood Maternity, and holy shit they have cute stuff!! So, I'm out 75 bucks (holy shit their shit is expensive - everything I got was on sale!!!), but I have 3 cute tops that I picked out for myself. It is surprising what a difference that can make, wearing your own clothes. I never realized it until I wore someone else's for more than a month, then got something of my own! Anyways, then I went to pick my new glasses from SAMS, stopping by Home Depot for some zero VOC primer (safe for baby!), which they DIDN'T HAVE. Losers. Jumping on the Lowe's train now. Then down to Lowe's for the primer, then to Target for some groceries, then home. I was gone from 9:30 to 4, and I was freaking exhausted.

Next morning, I wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and start getting shit done. Laundry, dishes, converting pics to jpgs, etc. I must be nesting! When P got up I dragged him up to the nursery and we got that bitch primed and the floor down to plywood. Then we went to Lowe's and spent lots of money on more supplies, with the plan of killing the popcorn ceiling before the 2nd coat of primer, then patching, priming, and painting the ceiling as well, then putting the paint on, then the floors in. Well, the trip to Lowe's exhausted me, but as much of that as possible is on the schedule for next weekend!

I am *so* relieved that we are finally making progress up there. So relieved.


Non-preggo stuff:

Moved up to Couch to 5K week 4. Skipped week 3 entirely. Had been elongating week 2 runs, so instead of 90 run/2 minutes walk, I was doing 4 intervals of 2 minutes run/90 walk, 1 of 2.5 min run/1 min walk, and 1 3.5 minute run to close the thing out. When I looked at Week 3, it was easier than that, so I skipped the thing. With that said, though, I was really worried going into the 5 minute runs. I gave myself permission to walk after 4 minutes if I needed to. I was short of breath, but I knew I could last 60 more seconds, I mean, hell, I've run a marathon!! So I've gotten 2 Week 4 runs in so far, and I'm so proud of myself!!

Girl Stuff

I just ran down to the bathroom thinking I was going to vomit.

This has been happening a lot lately. I think my multivitamin is making me nauseous, but I had changed the order of intake of my food and pills (to fish oil, fiber, multi, food), and I hadn't had this problem for a week or two.... so I thought it was over.

Of course, there is always the little voice in the back of my head that wonders if I'm preggers. When your cycles are at least 6 weeks long, how do you determine if you're late??? When you are at 6 weeks and 1 day? I mean, seriously, WTF??

Classy, right? 'Cause that's how I roll.

Pizza Face

Hey!!! Who put this pizza on my face???

Was it you, lack of artifical estrogen?

Or you, lack of artificial making-me-a-bitch progestin?

Or perhaps you, weekend at the beach?

Don't let me figure out which one of you did this to me. Don't make me hurt you.

I've *never* in my entire life had this many zits. *Sigh*

Hormone Update

Which would you choose?
1. Remember to take a pill every day. Be sure you take it at night because it makes you vomit if you are awake. Have cramps several days per month. Cycle for 5 full days per month. Act manic-depressive: be laughing one minute and crying the next. Cry at least once per day. Feel dead inside. Don't use a condom when you have sex, but have no sex drive.
OR
2. Don't take a pill every day. Have no cramps. Cycle for ONE DAY and spot for 3. Act like a normal person. Cry only when you are hurt or sad (read: once a month, tops). Have a sex drive. Use condoms.

Where have my own hormones been for the past 8 years?? WTF was I thinking when I got on the pill? Seriously. Never again.

Ran 32 minutes this morning. 3 miles, maybe? Felt a bit slow, but got it done.