Clearings in the Fog

I think I am starting to see improvement.

On Wednesday, I was listening to my audiobook at lunch.  I have been lucky - even though I couldn't focus on TV, definitely couldn't focus on reading, I seem to be able to listen to my audiobook, so I've been doing it A LOT.  I was listening to my book and it was at a key moment in the climax of the book that the file was corrupted.  Literally, it was the "Luke, I am your father" moment, and it was all, "Screeeeeetch is your FATHER" and I was all OMG WHO, WHOOOOOOOO????? So I immediately ran over to amazon and grabbed the kindle edition and read through to the end.  And then I was like, wait, I READ!!!!!  Oh thank goodness, I read!  I was able to read!  That is a huge thing for me.  Huge.  Reading is something I do every day.  Reading is something I do to cope.  When I couldn't read, I was very worried (in my completely unable to care way) about my mental state.  It was not a good sign.  But on the opposite side, it is a good sign that I am now able to.

Then later that afternoon I walked with the friend who cracks jokes and I found myself cracking some back.  I still didn't feel right.  But maybe a little better, yes.

Yesterday I had the ultrasound appointment.  And my doc was quick with the results: everything is normal.  This is both great and frustrating.  Great because I don't want anything to be wrong with me.  Frustrating because if nothing is wrong, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???

I'm to call on Monday if I'm still "having the issue".  Earlier this week I was sure I'd be making the call on Monday.  But actually, I'm no longer sure.  My body is acting like maybe, JUST MAYBE, it is going to be normal this time.

In a way, that is terrifying.  I mean, if that is the case, then I really did just need a "hormone reset" which birth control provided, then does that mean that I may need to do that again in the future?  And if that is the case what the hell will I do?  Just take the damn things for a week and suffer the depression?  Gak!!

I'm getting ahead of myself.  That is part of my problem - I tend to spiral on what-ifs.  Right now I am just waiting.  I will just wait for the next few days and see if I continue to see an easing in both the depression symptoms and the "issue" symptoms.  Then on Monday I can start examining the ramifications of everything.  That's what we'll do.

I am hoping that this weekend helps.  It has been a struggle to be at work this week.  Maybe the weekend will help.

The Right Side of the Bed is a Dot to Me

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  So far on the wrong side that the right side may as well be in frigging China.

First, I woke up before the alarm.  NOT COOL.  And then it was cold.  I love running in cooler weather, but only to a point.  45-60 is just about perfect, and this morning I was seriously pissed that it was 43.  That's how unreasonably pissy I was.

Then I go outside to run, pissy because I'm not sure my long sleeve tech shirt and capris are appropriate for the temperature, pissy because my spi-belt rides up whenever I switch from shorts to tights, pissy!

So I'm running along listing in my head everything that makes me pissy, and I hear, I shit you not, a freaking DONKEY braying.  I had no idea that there were donkeys in my neighborhood.  But somehow I almost instantly knew the universe was telling me that I am being an ASS.

And I laughed.  Out loud.  Alone on my run.  (Like a crazy person.)

By the end of the run, the song of the day is Reel Big Fish's "Everything Sucks":
I know everything sucks, yeah.
I know everything sucks, whoa.  *air drumming, badly*
I know everything sucks, yeah,
But this is gonna be the last time you hear me complain. *scatting, terribly*

Thank you, Universe, for calling me an ass.  Ha!

Strange Uplifted Mood

This morning, P was out-of-sorts.

My boss is bitchy.

My run was terrible. (Hot, slow, etc.)

We are talking about very serious and depressing financial stuff at work.

And yet, I feel great! I feel positive, uplifted, happy, funny... I am in a good mood.

This is worth blogging about because it is so very abnormal. I've often wondered if I am something of an empath. When the people around me are down, I'm down. That means I spend more time down than up, usually.

But seriously, this is like someone spiked my coffee. I feel great!!